100 Dates - A 'Why Don't I Get Any Matches' Special

I had a long intro prepared for this post. Then I scrapped it, and decided that these Bumble profiles speak for themselves. Well, apart from my witty captions, that is.

You do NOT want a 'massage' off this guy

I think this one might actually be dead. And if he's actually alive, he's definitely not 45 

I know who I'll use for my profile photo, the second most famous naturalist in the world!

Not at all bitter

Sun's out, guns out 

Oooh. You're 'ard

I want to date women in their 30s, but I'll have to lie about my age to fall into their preferences. Plus I am under the delusion that I look 15 years than I am, so it's OK to lie.

'Can't change it' is bollocks, you're required to enter your DOB when you set up the account...so this means, 'entered it in wrong in the first place, deliberately' 

Hardcore film buff = I'll never be flexible on what kinds of films we watch. I also lie about my age, so I'm best avoided anyway

45!!! Haaaaaaaa haaaaaaaaaaa

'39'....in 2010

FYI I DON'T EAT OR DRINK FOREIGN MUCK

Has read 'The Game', can be found hanging around r/redpill

I can't...I mean...just...no

Dooo dit dooot dooo, dooo it tooo! I'm off to pillage some savages of their sacred artifacts and slap some women around

This photoshop app is amazing!

Go on, guess how old I am. No go on, guess

Who knew Kim would be looking love for love in Stevenage?

Translation: 'Stop talking to me then getting rid of me. If you don't want to talk, don't. Simple. Bumble should be called 'waste my time' laugh out loud'

Ya know what just screams, 'I respect women'? 

Cancelled

 

Like an addict, the reward system in my tiny affection starved brain soon started craving that swiping action, and I logged back into Tinder and Bumble. I also set up an OKCupid account, which I have done before with minimal success each time. I am not sure why I thought things would be different on this occasion, and of course it wasn’t.

OKC is different to Tinder and Bumble in that it’s not a swipe based app. You have the option to fill out much more information, you have to complete a compatibility questionnaire that asks your opinion and stance on a range of topics.  There’s a limit on the number of profiles you can like in one day, but you can send intro messages without matching.

On the surface, this makes OKC pretty appealing, and would lead you to believe that it might not be haunted by the same grubby sex pest that roam the halls of Tinder, asking women if they want to be pissed on or join a threesome. As it turned out, my 2-day run on OKC merely resulted in a conversation that reminded me exactly why some people are single.

His name was Tony. He sent me an introductory message which actually reflected something in my profile (usually men just say, ‘I liked your profile!’ this is probably because they have been told to mention the profile, but can’t actually be bothered to read it so just use a copy and paste approach)

I checked out his photos. My immediate thoughts were, ‘I’m not attracted to his physical self’. I told myself that I should give guys like this a go, and just because he wasn’t immediately physically appealing to me, didn’t mean that he couldn’t be if I got to know him. Then the messages started. Floods of essay length messages that swayed between trying to psychoanalyse me, to berating himself for sending such messages, to telling me about dates he had been on or was going on; his parenting style; his ex; his thoughts on whether or not my childhood had damaged me mentally; asking for my number, getting salty when I said no… on and on it went.

I went out for the night (pre 10pm curfew times) and showed my friend Elizabeth the messages. After a while, she went, ‘I can’t be fucked with this,’ and handed me the phone back.

I blocked Tony when I got home that night, and deleted OKC.

This is what I'm working with, folks

Julian - 38, 39 (September 2020)

I matched with Julian a few days before I deleted Tinder again. It’s time for proper adults, I thought. He had ‘super-liked’ me. He had two photos, neither of which really showed what he actually looks like. His messages were articulate, and there was no immediate move to sex chat, or pressure to swap numbers. All excellent signs.

We met on a sunny Sunday for a coffee. He was slighter than I expected and had definitely added a couple of inches to his height. On the plus side, he had made an effort with his dress, and looked smart and smelled nice. He was obviously in good shape, and enjoyed being active. The conversation flowed; he was interesting and his stories about his life (his childhood, his own adult children, his work) were engaging. He didn’t monopolise the conversation like the D Word did. We had a lovely afternoon, and though I didn’t get that, ‘yes, I fancy him,’ feeling I agreed to meet again.

We went out for dinner this week, and again I had a lovely time with him. I just couldn’t picture wanting to kiss him. What is wrong with me? I thought, for the 1,000,000,000 time since I started dating. Here is a genuinely nice man who seems interested in me, is intelligent, normal and can hold a conversation. Yet when he went to hug me goodbye, it just felt so wrong and odd. I can’t explain it, just that I wanted the hug to end immediately, and kind of turned my face to the side so he couldn’t move in for a kiss.

He had text by the time I got home again, asking to meet up at the weekend. I said no. I wished him luck, and again wondered why I hardly feel attracted to men anymore. I guess Tony would have some theory on that, that my attachment style is avoidant or whatever. It could just be that I am so utterly tired of dating that my lady boner has forever withered and died.

Rogue’s Gallery

 Mickey (September 2020)

I matched with Mickey the same week I matched with Julian. Mickey, so called because he reminded me of annoying twerp Mickey Bunce from Drop Dead Fred... if Mickey Bunce had frosted tips, perma-tanned skin the texture of an elephant's arse, jug-handle ears and was an awful person.

Like a fool, I agreed to exchange numbers, and soon learned that Mickey’s primary method of communication is memes, gifs, and photos of himself from 20 years ago.

He seems to be one of those people that’s on a ‘spiritual journey’ and will send you motivational quotes and tell you about the healing power of crystals, David Icke videos and he kept telling me to ‘be more positive’ and ‘you’d look better if you smiled more’. It seems to me that people like this are often the least willing to go through any kind of self-examination, and blame their unhappiness and bad luck on external forces, like the vaccinations they had as a child.

Responses to my questions would result in 10 or 15 long replies, but he would ask me zero questions in return. He sent me 6 videos of his new workplace, where he walked around proudly announcing, ‘this is our wet suite’ and ‘this is the reception…we don’t manage this bit,’

Oh Mickey, you’re so bland, you’re so bland you make me want to blow my brains out.

Yesterday I decided I couldn’t be bothered to schlep to Gerrards Cross on a Friday night to have date with someone that had more red flags than a bullfight. I texted him saying I was sorry, but I’d changed my mind and wished him the best of luck.

I have been left on read, and he has not replied…sometimes the trash takes itself out.

I have cut out all the photos of album covers he sent me, because you know...we don't need to be here all day.

Bob (September 2020)

Me: we should meet up for a daytime rum one weekend.

Him: I’m pretty busy for the next few weeks, but I’ll let you know when I’m free.

Later….

Me: so what you up to this weekend, then?

Him: Nothing, no plans. I really wanna have sex all weekend

 As of 23 September, all apps have been deleted and uninstalled. I’ve given it a solid 7 months on this round…you can’t say I haven’t tried.  If I’m going to go on a break, it needs to be a proper one, not a Ross Geller one.

I will continue to keep my eyes open for real life chances, as rare as they seem to be. But for now, the world of on-line dating can do one.

 

 

 

 

 

100 Dates - Slid Into His DMs

I have a story about ASB Phil (the match that used to send me shirtless selfies tagged ‘thoughts?’)  that I am surprised I forgot about.  One day when I was Insta stalking him, I saw that he was ‘friends’ with my gym crush. Gym crush, also known as ‘him what sparkles like them in Twilight’ because of his preternaturally pale skin, was part of a series of crushes I had on men with beards. That phase of my ‘love-life’ was sparked off by Captain Haddock and is thankfully over now because I’ve realised that a beard just tends to cover up things like weak chins and no neck. Apparently beards also have a lot faecal matter in them, and if that doesn’t put you off, I don’t know what will.

Anyway, after it was clear that ASB Phil was a huge flake who wasn’t ever going to actually meet up, I did a fairly creepy thing. I insta messaged HWS, saying something along the lines of ‘hey don’t you go to my gym?’ and said that I’d that he’d come up in my list of recommended follows.

I can’t remember which one I asked about the other, it seems logical that I would have asked HMW about ASB, but it turns out that they fell out a long time ago, but would not divulge why. Probably because it was ridiculously petty, and because neither of them would actually be able to remember.

After a while, we swapped numbers and then agreed to catch up when we were next both at the gym. There then followed the most awkward encounter of my life. We said hello, we hugged, we had a chat and then moved on to our respective workouts. Immediately I knew that this whole thing had been a Very Bad Idea and I guess he did too, because he sent me a panicked message when I got home. I’m not ready for a relationship [woah, fella! Who was even talking about that?] Women are a total nightmare, I just want to go to the gym and workout and not have to talk to anyone there…

I replied saying it was OK and asking if he’d prefer me not to say hello to him in future.

‘Yes please.’ He said back.

I saw him a few more times, at the gym and once in the supermarket where we pretended not to see each other. I guess he moved gyms because I haven’t seen him in ages. I think this could be the first time I’ve actively scared a man out of town, but then he was ginger so it may have been townsfolk with pitchforks and flame torches that did it.

The takeaway from this is not to be a creepy weirdo stalker, and that it’s only ‘sexy’ when Penn Badgely does it.

Rogue’s Gallery

Eric (2018? 2019? Can’t remember)

Once we swapped numbers, he just sent me multiple pictures of his penis in various states of excitement, asked if I thought he was the biggest I’ve ever seen. Then he vanished. I inadvertently almost showed my mother his proud member when I was looking through my phone, forgetting that even if you delete WhatsApp photos, Samsung phones archive them.

Freud (2018, 2019)

We matched twice. The first time was on OKC in 2018, where the conversation stopped after he told me he would like to watch me have sex with another man (alright, Fred West)

We matched again in early March this year, and I reminded him what he said. He replied that he said stuff like that to provoke a reaction. He said that used OLD as some kind of ‘sociological experiment’. (buuuuuullllshiiiiit).  We spoke on the phone once, and then he too vanished. He crops up a lot on the apps, and is one of the rare ones that changes their photos each time. I wonder if any of these men have considered therapy.

 This week’s crush

The mighty Sam Neill. I have watched both Jurassic Park, Event Horizon, Dead Calm and In the Mouth of Madness all fairly recently. I don’t know what it is, his blue eyes, his soothing voice, or the fact he looks like the kind of man who would be good at many things; sheep herding, DYI, digging wells, building houses, talking about philosophy and the universe. Mostly it’s probably because when me and my sister saw Jurassic Park as teenagers we got obsessed with his fine butt. Would Sam Neill send you photos of the tip of his dick popping out of faded y-fronts like a baby mole popping its head out of the ground?

 No, he would not. Bootylicious Sex God Sam Neill, I salute you. 

100 Dates - The Season of New Boots

 The D Word -  32, 34  (August 2020)

He said, ‘you look better than your photos,’ which in hindsight, I think is sort of a neg.

He also said that he knew he wasn’t a ‘bad-looking guy’ and had no need to steal other men’s girlfriends because he could easily get his own. He told me that he only had one plate, one cup, and one set of cutlery which he would give a daily rinse and then wash properly at the weekend. Is this disgusting or taking the Kondo Method to dizzying new heights? What does he do when someone comes over for dinner? It is like that episode of Alan Partridge where his superfan stalker makes him a cup of tea and serves it in one of those plastic doohickeys hospitals give men to piss in when they are bed bound?

We got properly drunk on the date, and I slipped over, spilling most of my drink. To defend myself here, the floor was VERY wet and I was wearing notoriously slippy-soled Vans.

We have met once more, when we attempted to have dinner on a Eat Out to Help Out night. We didn’t book anywhere, and every place in town was packed. He refused to wait in a line for food, so we ended up in a depressingly empty Walkabout where it cost £6.00 for two burgers with chips and a drink.

I ate my burned veggie bean burger and sipped my flat coke, and wondered, Carrie Bradshaw style, would this be a funny story we’d tell at our wedding?

Of course it fucking wouldn’t be. As the evening progressed, a I heard a lot about D’s life – his pole-dancing ‘ex’-girlfriend, his work ethic and how easily bored he gets; his lack of culinary skills (2 dishes on a rotation, cous-cous with butter and pasta with butter) and how a business rival forced him to close down; his statuesque sister and his embarrassing mother; that we was going to sell the house he owns in his home country and how he doesn’t like how small English roads are.

I also leaned that D by name, D by nature. He told me a story of a Tinder date, where every right-thinking man’s nightmare came true….his date was fat. Not just fat, but double the size of D. Which isn’t hard, being as D is the same height as me (5’4) and weighs about half what I do (9 stone, give or take a big shit here and there) He said that he almost turned around and walked out when he saw her sitting at the bar, her well-covered arse spilling over the bar stool. His mates were there (by accident, not design) and apparently took photos of the ill-matched pair, pissing themselves laughing, and sending them to all their mates on the group chat.

D leaned that I do not like vegan cheese, and that I have been working at the same company for 15 years.

That was over a week ago. I have heard nothing from D, and I don’t care. In some situations, it’s fine to not bother again. This is one of them.

33 -  Handsome is as Handsome Does (August 2020)

The train journey there and back took longer than the date. I am pretty sure he was immediately disappointed when we met, and the lack of interest showed in the stilted, awkward conversation. He told me that he lived with his ‘elderly’ landlady, and when I asked how old she was, he responded with, ’55,’

I texted him when I got home, and he replied said that he felt ‘no connection’. I responded saying it would be hard to gauge that after an hour, but essentially agreed with him. Shame, he was VERY handsome, but maybe so much so he didn’t feel the need to put in much effort.

Either way, I was pleased to be home before dark and in time for Derren Brown’s equally disappointing 20-year anniversary show.

35, 36, 37 – Babyface (again)

BF was dog-sitting the world’s most disobedient hound, who, we shall call Fenton. On our Saturday morning walk, Fenton, like his viral namesake, broke for the border with BF running after him shouting his name and getting ignored. Fenton then plonked himself under a shady tree where he refused to move for a good ten minutes, until I gave him all of my water.

I have seen BF twice since then. He has a terrible sense of direction, doesn’t know who Stephen King is, is addicted to Nando’s peri-peri sauce (so much so that I think it’s got mentioned each time we’ve met) and is terrible at responding to messages.

This definitely isn't going to develop into the kind of thing I'm looking for, and it's fun, buuuut I'm trying to change old habits. With that in mind…

An Announcement

I have been back OLD solidly since early March. Lockdown obviously made it much harder than usual, but as I approach my 42^nd birthday, it seems like a good time to take a bit of a break and reset.

When you’re having little luck at this, it’s very tempting to feel like there is something wrong with you, or that you hate men, or that you’re destined to be alone forever. When you find yourself slipping into old patterns of behaviour that don’t serve you in the long run, and you feel shitty about that, it’s time to take a step back and reassess things. Your approach to finding a partner, and the relationship with yourself.

I realise this all sounds terribly wanky, but it feels like the right thing for me to do at the moment. I’ll still be posting stuff about dating, but I won’t be using the apps for around a month.

September always feels sort of like a new start for me; it’s back to school time of year, the season is beginning to change, it’s my birthday (did I mention that yet?) Writer Marian Keyes called autumn ‘the season of new boots’. I don’t know how that fits in here - Nancy Sinatra? Made for walking? I dunno, but I like that idea. I’ll be back soon with some new boots!

Crushes of the week:

I’ve been a bit of a nostalgia trip recently and started re-watching ER (all episodes are steaming on All4 at the moment). Even though it started in 1994 (!!) it doesn’t seem to have aged at all. Thus my crush for this week is the cast of the first season. Noah Wyle is so young and cute he makes my heart hurt a bit.

 

 

 

100 Dates The Power of Voodoo Hoodoo

There’s a man in the supermarket who looks appealing to me. As we are in the same aisles at the same time, I can see what he’s putting in the trolley and put my highly scientific ‘How to Tell if a Man is Single from his Shopping’ theory to test. Unhelpfully, his basket contains things that could either mean, ‘movie night in with girlfriend’ or, ‘having friends over for snacks and drinks’, or ‘getting shitfaced alone’ What it does not say is, ‘man doing weekly family shop’.

In the basket are:

·         A few packets of bacon

·         Some pate

·         Fancy cheeses

·         Posh crisps

·         Wine (a lot of wine)

·         Beer (a lot of beer)

I had thought my days of following semi-attractive men round supermarkets (a real low point in my single life) were over, but it seems not. We go through the checkout at the same time, and then he’s gone.

Before lockdown, I used to go to the gym after work, and then to get my shopping. The supermarket is next to the train station. As I would walk down to the shops, I’d see a lot of attractive men walking home. WHERE ARE THEY THE REST OF THE TIME? I’d think. They certainly aren’t in the pubs, or in my gym, or even in the supermarket. ‘Where are you going?’ I wanted to shout. But it’s that kind of thing that’s probably the reason why I’m still single. That and obsessively smelling my own breath when I’ve got my mandatory facemask on. Man, coffee breath really does stink.

Sloop John B – 26, 27, 28, 29 & 30

He said 3 dates, I said 5 because I count the two virtual ones we had before our meetings in the real world. I also said 5 because it means I can get to 100 faster, stop this nonsense, and open a guinea pig rescue sanctuary.

SJB is wonderful company. He’s funny, he can hold a conversation, he’s easy-going, I feel very comfortable around him. Therein lies a slight problem. Dates with SJB are like hanging around with a really good mate. We vibe in that way for sure (at least, I think we do) and I really, really want it to be more than that. It’s not though.

Last night I made that awkward phone call, because binning someone off by text after 5 dates is kind of cowardly. Him being a lovely chap who seems keen to actually meet someone and not fuck around being a flaky, fickle douchebag, made it even more awkward. I mean that it’s easier to pie off dickheads, not that SJB made it awkward, he didn’t.

He took it with the grace I had expected and he agreed to stay friends. I really hope we do, because I think he’s great.

Babyface - 31

I definitely need to stop swiping on men 13 years younger than me. It might stop such moments as possibly being mistaken for their mother, and being the only one able to go to the bar because they forgot their ID. Also it’s likely they’ll have a nicer car than you, which is kind of embarrassing as by the age of 41, you should be driving something better than a tin can on wheels which is held together with rust and hope.

Rogue’s Gallery (aka, Dishonourable Mentions)

1.       The Goblin King (2017)

In a photo reminiscent of the 1980 fantasy film Labyrinth, he held aloft a babe in a striped onsie. Every single message from him from ideal holiday destinations to favourite foods would eventually degenerate into something sexual. He also introduced me to an art project called ‘Hysterical Readings’ which is basically women reading aloud while being wanked off by an unseen vibrator.

We never met up or even talked about it. I asked him if we could talk about something other than sex, that lasted about another 3 messages at which point (no pun intended) I gave up.

2.       The Lorax (2019)

‘Sure we’ll meet up’ ‘we’ll meet up soon’ ‘Let’s meet up when we’re both free!’

We never met up.

He popped up on the app again recently. All together now, waving your jazz hands, ‘with the saaame phottttoooooooos!’

3.       Budget Christian Grey (2018)

Highlights included, ‘I really want to stick my arm up your tight p****’ and ‘I want you to ride my face until I can’t breathe’

He was very handsome, but not so handsome that I’d let him piss on my face.

4.       Say Anything (2020)

Look, guy. I’m almost 42. Ya think I never heard this bullshit before?

‘I’m afraid of Covid’ reasoning to try and come round my house instead of going out for a drink)

 ‘I want intimacy…cuddles and eye contact’ (minutes earlier you were asking if you could rub your dick against me)

‘Women think I’m a fuckboy, I’m not’ (proceeds to behave just like a fuckboy)

5.       Guest appearance from….(2020)

Someone I’m pretty sure is married and is using photos from around 2003.

The Camden Hipster showed up on Bumble (we had matched on Tinder) he had better photos and a worse written profile. That hair though, it bothered me so much.

100 Dates - Anatomy of a Profile

Bryce Dallas Howard Nosedives in Black Mirror

There is remarkably little variation in men’s profiles and after a while, each becomes indistinguishable from the last. Many of the photos are low quality, as if taken on a c.2002 camera phone, and are often at odd, unflattering angles. These will include such beauties as ‘up the nose’ shot, ‘chin rolls’ and cutting off half their heads. Distance shots are common, as are photos obviously taken some ten-plus years ago when the abs were tighter and the jawline was stronger.

Bed selfies feature heavily, faded and bobbled bed-linen in shot. They lie on an old-fashioned patterned pillowcase, one naked arm tucked behind their head, a wistful expression on their face. Sometimes there’s a dog there, too, because we all know that dog-owners are good people.

The bedroom mirror selfie will have the unmade bed in the background, and mismatched shoes strewn across the floor. There will be a can of Lynx trying to product place itself. In the backgrounds of bathroom selfies I have seen:

·         A toddler naked except for a nappy

·         A perturbed looking dog

And in the foreground:

·         100 empty bottles of shower gel

·         Rusty looking razors

·         A dried up cake of soap balanced on the side of the sink

Then there’s the public toilet selfie. I think that these are a go-to location because of the big mirrors and the good lighting, but it just looks kind of lazy, with the hand driers and urinals in the background, or the overflowing paper towel bin. All I can see is the smell of piss and cheap hand-soap.

Occasionally one is treated to the sight of an erection taken from an artsy angle (I report these right away, because I am sure no-one wants to see your dick) or a rotund hairy belly rising up from 70’s patterned bedsheets like the hump of a whale emerging from the sea.

Lying about age is common. The young ones will (usually) own up to it – ‘I’m actually 27, I really like older women’

The older (deluded) ones seem to genuinely think that they can pass for 35 or 40 when they are clearly hitting their mid-50’s or sometimes even older. Sometimes you get the bullshit disclaimer, ’55 not 48, it won’t let me change it’ (yes, it will, you delete your account and start again putting in the correct age).

Most common profile photos

·         In some kind of organised running or cycling event

·         Holding a big fish

·         Snow sports

·         Stroking a drugged tiger

·         Riding an elephant

·         A photo of their car

·         A photo of them as a kid (why?!)

·         A photo of them with kids, usually with the disclaimer, ‘my nephew/ niece/ Godchild’

·         The holiday selfie (in pool, by pool, on balcony. Holding a beer)

·         At Machu Picchu / Angkor Watt / The Lennon mural

·         Squinting against the smoke that is coming from the fag hanging outside their mouth

Decoding a Profile

‘No drama!’ = I love drama

‘Only swipe right if you can hold a decent conversation’  = I have no conversational skills myself

‘If you don’t look like your photos, you’re buying me drinks until you do’ = I don’t look anything like my photos

‘Only match if you’re going to chat’ = I will never reply to your message

‘Not looking for pen pals’ = we will never meet up. Like, ever.

‘Ideal dinner guest…you?’ = let’s cast this net super wide and see what catches

‘No gold-diggers or users’ = I want you to think I have money. I don’t. Also I am still bitter about a woman that left me in 1998 after I paid for an all-inclusive to Malaga

‘6 foot in heels’ = this is the first time any man has thought of this. I’m so funny!

‘No crazy exes’ = I have driven at least two women insane with my flimsy moral code and gas-lighting

‘No baggage’ = I don’t want you to have had kids, any exes or a life before me. I come with as much baggage than Rose DeWitt-Bukater boarding the Titanic.

 

These are real profiles

'47 year old white English guy looking for some fun very clean and discrete’

‘Single wanting no strings playmates, Happy to assist childless couples making families’

‘Hello I have decided to give this whole Tinder thing a proper go. Oh and any Davina McCall your first in line she’s hot and a huge turn 9n to me love to date someone as fit as she is that’s my idea of the perfect woman. I love fit older women and would marry Her or could you be her equal and be mine. Oh high sex drive is a must as well not up for debate’

‘im getting really bored of this dating app shit honestly.i aint no sad fuck boy or dopey dick picks sender.i want a lady that I can treat like a princess.yeah you probably think im talking aload of bollocks but im a gentleman that respects women.but cheeky. give me a chance please.ffs lolxxx’

Bonus Round – Just…why?

‘4.5 Uber rating’ = I have no idea why this is important, this isn’t that episode of Black Mirror where Bryce Dallas Howard goes batshit at her frenemy’s wedding, is it?

‘He’s a nice boy, 5 stars – my mum’ = third person reviews make me cringe so hard my bum hole relocates to my throat and I throw it up

‘Englishman’  - As if this is a benchmark of excellence.

Profile of the week

Toothless Roddy looked like Iggy Pop’s older, more drug-addled brother. He posed topless in leather trousers, his scrawny but fat chest festooned with silver chains and what looked like an emergency pullcord fob. ‘Why was I stupid enough to live beyond 30?’ he lamented, before going on to essay about sin, the Bible and music in one terrifying, unpunctuated paragraph.

Crush of the week who is definitely not on Tinder…

Cody Fern, (The Assassination of Gianni Versace, American Horror Story) who carries off both make-up and pretty clothes better than I do and is smoking hot. Not sure I could date a man that is more proficient at eye-liner application than me, though. Nah, I totally can.

 

 

100 Dates: I Ain't Afraid of No Ghost ( Ghouls, Zombies and Perverts)

I’ve had 4 more dates since I last wrote, with the same fellow. It’s unlikely he reads this, but thanks to WhatsApp / Instagram syncing contacts stalking potential, it is possible. Thus I am holding off on updates until I know if a 5^th date is going to happen.

In the meantime, here’s just a small selection of the interactions that didn’t go anywhere.

 

1.   Captain Haddock (winter 2016)

 

I met Captain Haddock not long after I’d come out of an eight -year long relationship. I wasn’t ready for any kind of romantic entanglement, but he was so handsome with his hipster beard and sharp blue eyes. He was always with a friend who was the spit of a young Matt Damon and walked like a reverse Mr Soft, with his torso dipped into the wind.

We exchanged numbers, and texted back and forth, I used to bump into him in the pub and we’d exchange a cursory hello but nothing more. The one night we did talk, he spent most of the time chatting my friend up.

He wouldn’t make firm plans to meet up and I called him out on it in the manner of a teacher admonishing an unruly pupil. I never heard from him again after that.

It was because of Captain Haddock that I learned the phrase, ‘rejection is protection,’ but I never fully absorbed the whole ethos of that until very recently.

2.   Shrek (Summer 2017)

We had been texting for a few weeks when we agreed a date to meet up one evening in the week. He went to a wedding the weekend before, and his last message to me was ‘good morning, beautiful wish you were at this wedding with me,’

I texted him the day before the date asking if we were still on. I got left on unread (those two grey ticks are such an insult) I should have known that not hearing from him for 3 days meant he’d moved on, but I was an OLD newbie then, and still took things at face value.

He popped up in my stack again recently with exactly the same photos, which made me wonder how old they actually were.

 

3.   ASB Phil (Winter 2017 / Spring 2018)

For almost a year I chatted to ASB Phil. He earned his nickname because he used to send me topless photos of himself asking what I thought, and a friend misheard ‘Abs’ Phil and thought I said ‘ASB’. The name stuck, but ASB didn’t. Weeks would go by without me hearing from him, he’d hint at meeting up and then never set anything up, and ignore my suggestions to.

Our final text exchange came when he messaged me after about 3 months of total silence to ask how I was.

‘Do you only text me when you’re bored?’ I asked him.

No, he said, he wanted to make it up to me and go for a drink. Too little, too late my friend. I said as much, and he never replied.

He actually popped back up in my ‘stack’ a few days ago, using the same pictures, and this time I swiped left.

 

4.   Dave Horror (2018)

He told me that he worked for the police, which was only kind of truthful. He was actually employed by a private security firm to work in police custody suites. We had a lot in common and set up a date to watch a film in Oxford. I came into working with all my stuff so I could get ready there and go straight to meet him. For someone that would text several times a day, he went oddly quiet and I texted him at 3 to ask if we were still on because I’d be leaving work soon.

He replied telling me his aunt had hurt herself so he couldn’t make it.

I accepted this blatantly weak excuse and indulged him by saying I hope his aunt felt better. I never heard from him again.

 

5.   Car Sex Cosplay (2018)

As you get more experienced at OLD, you get better at sniffing out bullshit. CSC told me that he lived ‘with a housemate’, but when he sent me photos of his place, you could tell that a woman lived there and was responsible for the décor. I said to him, ‘is your housemate female?’ Yes, he said. ‘Is she your girlfriend?’ I asked. No. My ex wife. We’re separated.

He was very snooty about housing association tenants, which, if you know me, you’ll know is not an attitude I agree with.

He told me that he used to be very overweight and in the early days of his separation used to meet Tinder matches for sex in his car and that on one occasion had been ‘going at it’ so enthusiastically he not only thought he had a heart attack, but he destroyed the car’s suspension.

He last message to me was a photo of him feeding his unimpressed cat a Wotsit.  

 

6.   PhD (Christmas 2018)

He cancelled on me TWICE IN THE SAME WEEKEND, saying that he needed to be working on his PhD. I was irritated with myself, because he didn’t even really cancel the first time, I waited until late afternoon to ask him what was going on and he responded, ‘sorry, I’ve been in a PhD hole, please please can we do it tomorrow?’ Only to do EXACTLY the same thing the next day. When he contacted me again, I basically told him to fuck off and stop wasting my Goddamn time.

 

7.   Pete (Early 2019)

Agreed a date to meet, I text him the day before asking if we were still on and he never responded. He also popped again in my stack recently, with the exact same photos. What is it with these guys not even bothering to update their photos?

 

8.   Teacher Tom (spring / summer 2019)

I wasted 3 months messaging this guy. THREE MONTHS. He got squirmy at the merest hint of meeting u, but kept kind of putting the idea out there (this folks, is known as ‘bread-crumbing’)  I finally suggested a day, a time and a place. I got a semi anxious response from him asking what the place involved (it was a bar where you go and drink booze and play board games, I thought it was a great idea for a first date) aaaaannndddd…..silence. Nothing. Nada. The man up and vanished like a fart in the wind.

Except when he popped up again in my stack quite recently. This one actually changed his photos!

 

9.   Catio (summer 2019)

On the day we were due to meet, he fell off a ladder building a catio (it’s a patio for cats) and sprained his ankle. He texted me while he was waiting in A & E. I think this may be my favourite pie ever, for its pure inventiveness.  We still texted after that here and there, and when after about a month of text ping-pong I asked him how his ankle was (and not mentioning trying to rearrange the date) he responded with, ‘oh it’s is still pretty bad, I don’t think I’ll be going on any dates soon’

Guess what? Yeah, yeah, you know. Stack, same photos blah blah blah.

 

10.                ‘Let’s meet up this weekend’ Summer 2020

Or, let’s arrange a date then delete my account. I’ll just start another one on another date app and no-one will ever know, mwaaaahhhh haaaaa haaaaaa!

 

11.                 ‘Let’s also meet up this weekend after making a big ole fuss about really, really wanting to meet’ Summer 2020

 

Or, let’s just ignore that message about firming up plans.

 

‘Nice Guy’ of the week award goes to….

The match that called me a slag because I haven’t spent the last four something years of singledom staying in every night, wearing a potato sack and praying for a man like him to come along.

Just three messages earlier he had told me he was ‘a gentleman'