I have a story about ASB Phil (the match that used to send me shirtless selfies tagged ‘thoughts?’) that I am surprised I forgot about. One day when I was Insta stalking him, I saw that he was ‘friends’ with my gym crush. Gym crush, also known as ‘him what sparkles like them in Twilight’ because of his preternaturally pale skin, was part of a series of crushes I had on men with beards. That phase of my ‘love-life’ was sparked off by Captain Haddock and is thankfully over now because I’ve realised that a beard just tends to cover up things like weak chins and no neck. Apparently beards also have a lot faecal matter in them, and if that doesn’t put you off, I don’t know what will.
Anyway, after it was clear that ASB Phil was a huge flake
who wasn’t ever going to actually meet up, I did a fairly creepy thing. I insta
messaged HWS, saying something along the lines of ‘hey don’t you go to my gym?’
and said that I’d that he’d come up in my list of recommended follows.
I can’t remember which one I asked about the other, it seems
logical that I would have asked HMW about ASB, but it turns out that they fell
out a long time ago, but would not divulge why. Probably because it was
ridiculously petty, and because neither of them would actually be able to
remember.
After a while, we swapped numbers and then agreed to catch
up when we were next both at the gym. There then followed the most
awkward encounter of my life. We said hello, we hugged, we had a chat and then
moved on to our respective workouts. Immediately I knew that this whole thing
had been a Very Bad Idea and I guess he did too, because he sent me a panicked
message when I got home. I’m not ready for a relationship [woah, fella!
Who was even talking about that?] Women are a total nightmare, I just want
to go to the gym and workout and not have to talk to anyone there…
I replied saying it was OK and asking if he’d prefer me not
to say hello to him in future.
‘Yes please.’ He said back.
I saw him a few more times, at the gym and once in the
supermarket where we pretended not to see each other. I guess he moved gyms
because I haven’t seen him in ages. I think this could be the first time I’ve
actively scared a man out of town, but then he was ginger so it may have been
townsfolk with pitchforks and flame torches that did it.
The takeaway from this is not to be a creepy weirdo stalker,
and that it’s only ‘sexy’ when Penn Badgely does it.
Rogue’s Gallery
Eric (2018? 2019? Can’t remember)
Once we swapped numbers, he just sent me multiple pictures
of his penis in various states of excitement, asked if I thought he was the
biggest I’ve ever seen. Then he vanished. I inadvertently almost showed my
mother his proud member when I was looking through my phone, forgetting that
even if you delete WhatsApp photos, Samsung phones archive them.
Freud (2018, 2019)
We matched twice. The first time was on OKC in 2018, where
the conversation stopped after he told me he would like to watch me have sex
with another man (alright, Fred West)
We matched again in early March this year, and I reminded
him what he said. He replied that he said stuff like that to provoke a
reaction. He said that used OLD as some kind of ‘sociological experiment’.
(buuuuuullllshiiiiit). We spoke on the
phone once, and then he too vanished. He crops up a lot on the apps, and is one
of the rare ones that changes their photos each time. I wonder if any of these
men have considered therapy.
The mighty Sam Neill. I have watched both Jurassic Park,
Event Horizon, Dead Calm and In the Mouth of Madness all fairly recently. I
don’t know what it is, his blue eyes, his soothing voice, or the fact he looks
like the kind of man who would be good at many things; sheep herding, DYI,
digging wells, building houses, talking about philosophy and the universe.
Mostly it’s probably because when me and my sister saw Jurassic Park as teenagers
we got obsessed with his fine butt. Would Sam Neill send you photos of the tip
of his dick popping out of faded y-fronts like a baby mole popping its head out
of the ground?
