In the basket are:
·
A few packets of bacon
·
Some pate
·
Fancy cheeses
·
Posh crisps
·
Wine (a lot of wine)
·
Beer (a lot of beer)
I had thought my days of following semi-attractive men round
supermarkets (a real low point in my single life) were over, but it seems not. We
go through the checkout at the same time, and then he’s gone.
Before lockdown, I used to go to the gym after work, and
then to get my shopping. The supermarket is next to the train station. As I
would walk down to the shops, I’d see a lot of attractive men walking home. WHERE
ARE THEY THE REST OF THE TIME? I’d think. They certainly aren’t in the pubs, or
in my gym, or even in the supermarket. ‘Where are you going?’ I wanted to
shout. But it’s that kind of thing that’s probably the reason why I’m still
single. That and obsessively smelling my own breath when I’ve got my mandatory
facemask on. Man, coffee breath really does stink.
Sloop John B – 26, 27, 28, 29 & 30
He said 3 dates, I said 5 because I count the two virtual
ones we had before our meetings in the real world. I also said 5 because it
means I can get to 100 faster, stop this nonsense, and open a guinea pig rescue
sanctuary.
SJB is wonderful company. He’s funny, he can hold a
conversation, he’s easy-going, I feel very comfortable around him. Therein lies
a slight problem. Dates with SJB are like hanging around with a really good
mate. We vibe in that way for sure (at least, I think we do) and I really,
really want it to be more than that. It’s not though.
Last night I made that awkward phone call, because binning
someone off by text after 5 dates is kind of cowardly. Him being a lovely chap who
seems keen to actually meet someone and not fuck around being a flaky, fickle
douchebag, made it even more awkward. I mean that it’s easier to pie off dickheads,
not that SJB made it awkward, he didn’t.
He took it with the grace I had expected and he agreed to
stay friends. I really hope we do, because I think he’s great.
Babyface - 31
I definitely need to stop swiping on men 13 years younger
than me. It might stop such moments as possibly being mistaken for their
mother, and being the only one able to go to the bar because they forgot their
ID. Also it’s likely they’ll have a nicer car than you, which is kind of
embarrassing as by the age of 41, you should be driving something better than a
tin can on wheels which is held together with rust and hope.
Rogue’s Gallery (aka, Dishonourable Mentions)
1.
The Goblin King (2017)
In a photo reminiscent of the 1980 fantasy film Labyrinth,
he held aloft a babe in a striped onsie. Every single message from him from ideal
holiday destinations to favourite foods would eventually degenerate into
something sexual. He also introduced me to an art project called ‘Hysterical
Readings’ which is basically women reading aloud while being wanked off by an
unseen vibrator.
We never met up or even talked about it. I asked him if we
could talk about something other than sex, that lasted about another 3 messages
at which point (no pun intended) I gave up.
2.
The Lorax (2019)
‘Sure we’ll meet up’ ‘we’ll meet up soon’ ‘Let’s meet up
when we’re both free!’
We never met up.
He popped up on the app again recently. All together now,
waving your jazz hands, ‘with the saaame phottttoooooooos!’
3.
Budget Christian Grey (2018)
Highlights included, ‘I really want to stick my arm up your
tight p****’ and ‘I want you to ride my face until I can’t breathe’
He was very handsome, but not so handsome that I’d let him
piss on my face.
4.
Say Anything (2020)
Look, guy. I’m almost 42. Ya think I never heard this
bullshit before?
‘I’m afraid of Covid’ reasoning to try and come round my
house instead of going out for a drink)
‘I want
intimacy…cuddles and eye contact’ (minutes earlier you were asking if you could
rub your dick against me)
‘Women think I’m a fuckboy, I’m not’ (proceeds to behave
just like a fuckboy)
5.
Guest appearance from….(2020)
Someone I’m pretty sure is married and is using photos from
around 2003.
The Camden Hipster showed up on Bumble (we had matched on
Tinder) he had better photos and a worse written profile. That hair though, it
bothered me so much.
