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| Bryce Dallas Howard Nosedives in Black Mirror |
There is remarkably little variation in men’s profiles and
after a while, each becomes indistinguishable from the last. Many of the photos
are low quality, as if taken on a c.2002 camera phone, and are often at odd,
unflattering angles. These will include such beauties as ‘up the nose’ shot, ‘chin
rolls’ and cutting off half their heads. Distance shots are common, as are
photos obviously taken some ten-plus years ago when the abs were tighter and
the jawline was stronger.
Bed selfies feature heavily, faded and bobbled bed-linen in
shot. They lie on an old-fashioned patterned pillowcase, one naked arm tucked
behind their head, a wistful expression on their face. Sometimes there’s a dog
there, too, because we all know that dog-owners are good people.
The bedroom mirror selfie will have the unmade bed in the
background, and mismatched shoes strewn across the floor. There will be a can
of Lynx trying to product place itself. In the backgrounds of bathroom selfies
I have seen:
·
A toddler naked except for a nappy
·
A perturbed looking dog
And in the foreground:
·
100 empty bottles of shower gel
·
Rusty looking razors
·
A dried up cake of soap balanced on the side of
the sink
Then there’s the public toilet selfie. I think that these
are a go-to location because of the big mirrors and the good lighting, but it
just looks kind of lazy, with the hand driers and urinals in the background, or
the overflowing paper towel bin. All I can see is the smell of piss and cheap
hand-soap.
Occasionally one is treated to the sight of an erection
taken from an artsy angle (I report these right away, because I am sure no-one wants to see your dick) or a rotund hairy belly rising up from 70’s
patterned bedsheets like the hump of a whale emerging from the sea.
Lying about age is common. The young ones will (usually) own
up to it – ‘I’m actually 27, I really like older women’
The older (deluded) ones seem to genuinely think that they
can pass for 35 or 40 when they are clearly hitting their mid-50’s or sometimes
even older. Sometimes you get the bullshit disclaimer, ’55 not 48, it won’t let
me change it’ (yes, it will, you delete your account and start again putting in
the correct age).
Most common profile photos
·
In some kind of organised running or cycling
event
·
Holding a big fish
·
Snow sports
·
Stroking a drugged tiger
·
Riding an elephant
·
A photo of their car
·
A photo of them as a kid (why?!)
·
A photo of them with kids, usually with the
disclaimer, ‘my nephew/ niece/ Godchild’
·
The holiday selfie (in pool, by pool, on
balcony. Holding a beer)
·
At Machu Picchu / Angkor Watt / The Lennon mural
·
Squinting against the smoke that is coming from
the fag hanging outside their mouth
Decoding a Profile
‘No drama!’ = I love drama
‘Only swipe right if you can hold a decent
conversation’ = I have no conversational
skills myself
‘If you don’t look like your photos, you’re buying me drinks
until you do’ = I don’t look anything like my photos
‘Only match if you’re going to chat’ = I will never reply to
your message
‘Not looking for pen pals’ = we will never meet up. Like,
ever.
‘Ideal dinner guest…you?’ = let’s cast this net super wide
and see what catches
‘No gold-diggers or users’ = I want you to think I have
money. I don’t. Also I am still bitter about a woman that left me in 1998 after
I paid for an all-inclusive to Malaga
‘6 foot in heels’ = this is the first time any man has
thought of this. I’m so funny!
‘No crazy exes’ = I have driven at least two women insane
with my flimsy moral code and gas-lighting
‘No baggage’ = I don’t want you to have had kids, any exes or
a life before me. I come with as much baggage than Rose DeWitt-Bukater boarding the
Titanic.
These are real profiles
'47 year old white English guy looking for some fun very
clean and discrete’
‘Single wanting no strings playmates, Happy to assist
childless couples making families’
‘Hello I have decided to give this whole Tinder thing a
proper go. Oh and any Davina McCall your first in line she’s hot and a huge turn
9n to me love to date someone as fit as she is that’s my idea of the perfect woman.
I love fit older women and would marry Her or could you be her equal and be mine.
Oh high sex drive is a must as well not up for debate’
‘im getting really bored of this dating app shit honestly.i
aint no sad fuck boy or dopey dick picks sender.i want a lady that I can treat
like a princess.yeah you probably think im talking aload of bollocks but im a
gentleman that respects women.but cheeky. give me a chance please.ffs lolxxx’
Bonus Round – Just…why?
‘4.5 Uber rating’ = I have no idea why this is important,
this isn’t that episode of Black Mirror where Bryce Dallas Howard goes batshit
at her frenemy’s wedding, is it?
‘He’s a nice boy, 5 stars – my mum’ = third person reviews
make me cringe so hard my bum hole relocates to my throat and I throw it up
‘Englishman’ - As if this
is a benchmark of excellence.
Profile of the week
Toothless Roddy looked like Iggy Pop’s older, more
drug-addled brother. He posed topless in leather trousers, his scrawny but fat
chest festooned with silver chains and what looked like an emergency pullcord
fob. ‘Why was I stupid enough to live beyond 30?’ he lamented, before going on
to essay about sin, the Bible and music in one terrifying, unpunctuated
paragraph.
Crush of the week who is definitely not on Tinder…
Cody Fern, (The Assassination of Gianni Versace, American Horror Story) who carries off both make-up and pretty clothes
better than I do and is smoking hot. Not sure I could date a man that is more
proficient at eye-liner application than me, though. Nah, I totally can.
