He had recently moved recently London to work as a teacher. Much
better looking in the flesh than in his photos (which of course you’d never say
to someone’s face because it’s insulting), he had beautiful browny-green eyes
and very white teeth. He was obsessed with Byron, but spent the whole date
showing me screenshots of bad Tinder profiles and messages he had received from
terrible women. Byron never responded after I sent him the episode of Drunk
Histories which begins with the legendary words, ‘Lord George Byron fucked his
sister.’
My other abiding memory of the date is that while I sat in the courtyard of the British Library waiting for Byron to show, there was a man sitting at a table eating a catering sized pot of strawberry yoghurt. When he caught me watching him, he curled his arm protectively around the pot as if I might rush him and steal it.
3. Billy Gorilly (Autumn 2017)
In one of his photos he was wearing a gorilla costume. We met for
a coffee. When I got there, he already had an empty cup in front of him. I
asked if he wanted something else, and he declined. He had a grease spot from
lunch on his blue shirt. He was super
awkward. He couldn’t look me in the eye. He lived with his mum and she did all
his cooking and cleaning for him. It was a profoundly depressing, uncomfortable
date and I left feeling like I wanted to cry. He mistook my friendliness for
interest and asked for a second one then and there. I said yes, feeling
terrible, but I didn’t want to crush him in public. I had to Dear John him
later and it felt like kicking a puppy down the stairs. I am sorry, Billy.
4. X-Factor (Autumn 2017)
He had very weird hair and I couldn’t stop looking at it. He liked
going on game and talent shows. The date lasted an excruciatingly long 45
minutes.
He talked about moving out of his mums in the next few years but
he was too comfortable at home where she did his cooking and cleaning (what is
it with these man children?) when I said that he would need to learn to cook,
he looked at me as if I said, ‘you will have to murder your mother with her own
kitchen knives and then shit on her corpse,’
On the walk back to the car, he hinted at meeting again the
following week. I blurted out, ‘I don’t want to go on a second date with you!’
there followed a few seconds of wounded silence, after which he stuck his hand
out and said graciously, ‘it was nice to meet you’
5. Zoom (Summer 2018)
A real-life meeting! I meet Zoom on a night out in London. He was
very sweet and perky, we swapped numbers and texted back and forth for a few
weeks. He would text me 3 times a day to ask me what I was having for
breakfast, lunch and dinner.
We arranged a date and he was almost 3 hours late. To his credit I
got a running commentary on his journey and ETA. We went for a walk, drinks and
some food before I dropped him back at the station.
I had realised pretty much straightaway that I wasn’t attracted to
him and dodged out of the way of a kiss.
I messaged him later saying I had a lovely time, but I wanted to
leave it there and not carry on messaging him because I didn’t want him to
think it meant something.
He texted me a year later after finding my number in his phone. He
referred to himself in the third person. He last texted me as we went into
lockdown, and I am ashamed to say that I have not responded.
6. Mr Cheese (Summer 2018)
This is the date I plead the Fifth on. Let’s just say I was in my
Questionable Decisions stage of dating and leave it there.
7. BOB (Christmas 2018)
This was an actual, real-life meeting and not an on-line match. I
include it here because we went on a date. Kind of. By date I mean there was
one night I went and met him and his mates down the pub and two occasions where
he came round to my place to ‘watch a film’.
We met at Christmas, and by Easter he had blocked me from all
social media accounts, un-liking all previously liked posts. That didn’t stop
him texting me late one night in July to ask if I’d called him.
Yes, BOB, I did. In March. I never replied to his last text, and
he has never contacted me again.
8. Frogman (Spring 2019)
My friend Lulu says that I fell in love with Frogman, and I
probably did. He looked like Billy Idol with his bleach blonde hair, white
t-shirt and skinny black jeans. He was covered in weird tattoos. We talked the
whole night and ended the evening with a lovely hug.
There’s a Maya Angelou quote that goes ‘when someone shows you who
they are, believe them the first time,’. Here was my clue: Frogman said to me,
‘it’s easy to be interesting when you just make stuff up,’
We bounced messages back and forth for a few days after the date,
then I got the slow fade before he disappeared for good.
That’s the last time I go on a date with living, breathing version
of Common People by Pulp.
9. Milky Tea (Summer 2019)
‘Milky Tea’ is a semi-affectionate but mostly insulting name Lulu
has for bland dates. There’s nothing terribly wrong with them, but there’s
nothing all that special either. Milky
Tea was scared of wasps and spent the entire evening flailing his arms around
and ducking. I took him for Thai because I’d left my purse at home and he
bought all the drinks (I went home to get my bank card).
After the date, we
exchanged a few more texts, and talked about maybe going for ramen sometime. He
replied to my last text months later, to wish me a Merry Christmas.
10 & 11 Joe (Summer 2019)
Double-dates, arranged by Lulu.
Joe was funny and friendly, but had a complicated relationship with his
ex, who he had been with since…since forever. There was something about his
face that reminded me of an ex-boyfriend and I couldn’t shake that off. Lulu had
marginally more success and dated Joe’s friend for a couple of months, but it
didn’t work out.
Aside from Joe’s unsettling resemblance to my ex, I couldn’t get
on board with his habit of deliberately winding people up and we had a few
needlessly heated arguments. Yes, on first and second dates. He popped up out
of the blue recently with a random text that he later said wasn’t for me, but
with another girl with the same name.
Join me next time, for more mildly disappointing dates.
