Over twenty years ago, I destroyed most of my teenage diaries. My mum
watched me do it, and told me I’d regret it.
‘No I won’t,’
I said, with the kind of deluded conviction you only really have when
you’re 18.
Guess what?
I regretted it.
Some survived
though, and I don’t know why I chose to keep these in particular,
given that rereading them made me cringe so hard I’m pretty sure my
bumhole has relocated to somewhere near my spleen.
Please note:
- I was 13 years old
- I fancied pretty much every man on the planet
- I was horse mad
- I had zero self-awareness (I genuinely thought I was going to write and publish a best-selling novel at this age)
Names have been
changed. [] indicates adult me’s comments.
23rd
February 1992
Dear Diary,
Hello! Keanu Reeves
is so lovely. Brad Pitt is so sexy.
(so is KR and Christian Slater) Surrounded by the world’s most
hunky men, I dunno! I mean, you have
to agree with me!
Oh
yeah, today went fine, but I didn’t go out for a ride. Punchie [my
on-loan pony] was in one of his better moods
and Sali lent me Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure
so I can watch one of the most gorgeous blokes in the world strut his
stuff. It’s excellent!
Ah...but complicaTED
though [see what I did there?]
24th
[assume Feb, not properly dated though]
Dear Diary,
Sent home with crippling tummy ache. Sat and talked to LS for an
hour. Didn’t have to go up to the yard today.
Stephanie
Slater’s (estate agent) kidnapper was found. He is believed to be
the killer of Julie Dart – oh, now on the news he’s just claimed
that he didn’t
kill Julie Dart [Michael
Sams was convicted in
1993
of the murder of Julie Dart and the kidnapping of Stephanie Slater]
Lady
has claimed that she was horse-whipped by one of Prince Phillip’s
hunting thingy people.
Benetton’s ads were banned because they were too ‘explicit’ and
had no connection with their clothes. They showed a man dying of
AIDS, a slaughtered elephant amongst others.
I’m writing this all down so that in years time I’ll remember
what kind of world I lived in at the age of 13.
Shakespeare’s Sister’s ‘Stay’ is still number one in the UK
chart.
25th
February
Stayed home. It’s 5 to 8 on a Tuesday. I’m listening to Capital.
I’ll do some ironing, hoover and watch Bill and Ted again. I’ve
written to Vicki and the damned stamp isn’t sticky, so I’m
battling with the glue. Write more soon...dead boring day.
Undated
They’ve built a dual carriage way on the bridle path next to
Spencer’s farm! Sali got kicked by Max.
I
saw ‘Gleaming the Cube’ with Christian Slater. ‘Gleam the cube’
means to go to the point of break, yah know? [Uhm, nope]
Christian has his hair bleached in it and had an ear pierced but by
my [scribbled out, I’ll let you imagine what I wrote]
I hope to be a journalist. My poem is to be published in a book!!!
This is the first step to stardom! I’m gonna be famous world, ahm
gonna show you who I am!! Prepare to have your eyeballs spin back in
your head and your tongue to drop out. [I don’t know why I thought
journalism = fame]
PS, Bryan Adams is a pretty hot rocker.
Undated
‘The Opal
Incident’
First,
let me tell you about Opal.
She is a chestnut mare, 15.2 hands high and she is a complete nutter.
Well a girl called LM had her out on loan.
We
(Sali on Chips, me on Punch and L on Opal)
decided to ride down to the Moor. Opal
reared and L fell off. Terrified, Opal
galloped out on to the road and galloped up P_ Rise. Chippie and
Punch love a good gallop, and took off after her. Three times she was
nearly hit by a van as she galloped uncontrollably around the
streets.
Sali
was screaming, ‘Opal!
Opal!’
and crying. Luckily a man jumped out of his car and chased her down a
dead-end-street where we caught her. [I don’t know what to say
about this, what we did was so dangerous, but when you’re 13 you
don’t think about consequences of things. Sali later bought Opal.
I can’t remember what happened to L, I am assuming she recovered
from her fall.]
April 17, 92
I have entered a comp to win a jacket identical to the one Christian
wears in Kuffs, which I am going to try and see. Un-problemo. It’s
a 15. [Kuffs was an excellent film, if anyone has a copy of it
pretttty please can I have it? Thanks!]
Sali
and I are in lurrve!
With two boys we saw out shooting [the boys were out shooting, not
us] I
think I recognise one. He is rather nice and has a stunning, sexy
smile! We hope to see them again. [I
think ‘being in love’ meant ‘I have a lady-boner’]
Sali bought some reins from Robyn – they broke. The lesson here is
never to buy ANYTHING from Robyn!!
Deeply
Dippy
by RSF is no. one, it’s a great song [it’s really not]
The W’s have left [the yard] and everything is hunky dory. I feel
confident about myself, etc.
The best film I have seen this month is Pacific Heights, which has
lots of bonking, swearing, cockroaches and spooky violence in it. [I
still benchmark how good films are by those 4 things] I’d recommend
it to anyone.
Mum has loaned out the Silence of the Lambs on video, but she won’t
let us watch it. But I need research for my novel [is it bad that I
still use this excuse? I really hope no-one ever has cause to seize
my laptop to see what I’ve been Googling, because they’ll find an
almost unhealthy interest in murders, forensics, police procedural
and death]
24 April 92
Dear Diary
Hello. It seems that the whole world flips over into the deepest
obscurity when you think of certain male people.
Opal
has been ridden by [some very famous male riders, most noted for
Olympic show-jumping]
I hope and pray that I have won that Kuffs competition. Please o’Lord
[bah haaah, like he’s Irish or something] you have to know just how
much it means to me!! PLEEEAAASEE!
Tempest had a rearing fit in the field – in fact all the horses
did. I think a storm is brewing. Horses can sense that sort of thing.
Carla’s owners have left her without food, water or a clean bed for
four days now. People like that should not be allowed anywhere near
horses!! [I like to think that other people on the yard fed Carla and
mucked her out, but I can’t remember if they did or not]
I saw a bit of Heathers at Sali’s house – put it this way –
it’s not a normal film. In fact it’s ‘damned strange’
[Heathers is now one of my favourite films...and I’d been sneakily
watching Twin Peaks, hence the ‘damned strange’ comment]
Robyn’s b-day tomorrow. I have nay bought her a pressie. Old cow
[Robyn was about 25 years old, max] yesterday she called Sali ‘a
fucking wimp when it comes to horse riding’ and ‘too fucking big
for her own boots’
The thing with Robyn is she thinks she knows it all.
Signing off.
Write ya later, dear diary.
26th
[April]
Dear Diary,
I threw a bit of carrot at Max and it hit him on the head. He looked
up at the sky!
Saw the rest of Heathers and it’s weird. JD (Christian) blows
himself up in the end.
Undated
Dear Diary
I
saw ‘Mobsters’. It’s very violent but a good film. N
has it on pirate.
J
and A are leaving the yard. Rats deserting a sinking ship, heh? First
the W_____’s,
now the P___’s.
I’ll
remember Penny because she farted and sneezed at the same time and
went flying across her stable. Funny
haha funny peculiar.
I
tell you Violet,
Noah’s
ex is both – she’s really gone strange, I can’t explain.
Hopefully
we will see ‘Hook’ on Monday today is Saturday) ‘cause
it’s a bank hol but I have to find N’s number first. I’ve
practically turned my bedroom inside out. Also saw ‘Dances with
Wolves’ it deserves all 7 Oscars – it’s excellent [it’s
really not]
Hold
on my Heart! I love it! [the
one and only time I’ll admit to liking anything to do with Phil
Collins] Oh
well, I’d better go. I’ve got numbers to find!
Undated
Diary,
Saw
Pump Up the Volume. Great film about ‘freedom of speech’ SO BE
IT! [you can read my review of PUTV here. It’s not really about
freedom of speech at all, but I liked to throw around things I didn’t
understand – I still do, as anyone who has got into an argument
with me can confirm]
Please God, I have won that jacket, haven’t I? [I still hadn’t
won the jacket]
Summer exams – heat waves – dear me!!
This boy went into a newsagents with his little sister (he’s 14) to
buy some fags. The cashier had just passed the Marlboro over the
counter when the boy’s little sister blurts out, ‘you’re not
16!’
Dear Diary,
It’s
the 8th
of July. As you can seem I have not written for a while.
Andre
Agassi won Wimbledon 1992 against Ivan Snitch [I meant Goran
Ivaniševic]
and mum and dad are splitting up and my world just fell apart. The
match lasted nearly 3 hours. Agassi was most excellent. 3 hour match.
[I like how I casually throw in my parents’ divorce in the middle
of my Wimbledon review]
SB is getting married and I am going to the wedding.
I am hoping some how I’ll find someone to help me I can’t talk to
anyone. God. Yeah, like I’m gonna turn into a regular bible basher.
13 July
I feel so much better, like I’m making a positive step forward to a
less cluttered life, with no strings attached [I have no idea what I
was wanging on about here, but some 27 years later, absolutely fuck
all has changed in this regard]
It’s
really time that I calmed down and reorganised my life [I say this
every single Monday morning] Again I feel good about myself. No-one
can upset me. Hurt me. Put me down. Because you have to have a rhino
skin to go through life. Knocking back the insults, rumours that
people will say about you. Hooray for a new, happy and organised me.
[lies, all lies.]
20 August
Finally we are about to set off on holiday to Cornwall which should
be good fun. I bought a beautiful dress for SB’s wedding. It’s
blue and very figure hugging. [I had about as much ‘figure’ as
string bean when I was 13]
We
go back to school soon, what
a shame.
I love Edward Furlong. A bit younger than Mr Slater and Mr Reeves,
eh?
But
anyway, he could be coming to...ENGLAND!!!
AND
wait for it...HE WANTS TO MEET A GIRL HERE! [I was that girl. In my
dreams]
Sazy [Robyn’s horse] is still lame, but his leg has lost a lot of
its heat and swelling, which is very good, bit he is still going to
be out of work for over six months. Poor Robyn. Punchie is very well
and he seems happier than he has been for a while, he has put on
weight which he needed to do. His eyes are no longer swollen, sore
and weepy.
I suppose I am looking forward to going back to school again...I
don’t know.
Sali
is a bit bitchy at the mo...I
wonder why
[I can’t remember why now,
but I obviously didn’t want to write it down at
the time.]
One month til my birthday and S’s wedding, so I’ve got that to
look forward to.
Did
I mention I saw Bill
and Ted’s Bogus Journey?
It’s very good.
Most of what I’ve written further back in this diary is a load of
crap, basically. Or am I in a cynical, sarky mood? Oh I don’t know.
Tomorrow I’ll go back to deep and dark thoughts about the universe
but being able to see my darling [Punch] at weekends after mom and
pop have split puts things into a brighter perspective.
Friday 26 August 1992
One more day to go before we set off! Hooray!
Celebrate...holiday...it would be so nice!
I said goodbye to Punchie who was in a good mood. Sazy is still lame.
Well it’s 12.09 and time for lunch – or something [I went to the
EL James school of creative writing] Finished packing, but I’m sure
there’s something I’ve forgotten.
Check list:
T-shirts – 4 of them
Jeans – 1 pair
Shorts – 3 pairs
Jumpers – 3
Waist coat
Tights, socks, knickers, soap, swimming cossie, flannel, toothbrush,
face cream, a ton of books. I think it’s fairly sorted out now.
Later
22
Today is the day! I am sitting in the car ready to set off on some
excellent adventure (NOT!) it’s raining which is a bit of a shame.
Ah well. nothing’s perfect, eh? Oh, we’ve stopped – about 16
feet away from our house. What the heck...we are off. It should be a
fairly boring journey from now on so ta ta.
Luv
Well on our way, now, we are journey so far – one hour. 4 to go.
23rd
So
here we are. The caravan is very nice. There’s no farm, we’re on
top of a hill facing over the sea which makes it really windy. It’s
all very tacky, a bit like Butlins. No other people here our age [I
meant me and my younger sister’s age] but
I’m trying not to be so disappointed.
There’s nothing to do, our caravan is miles from any other people.
Is this going to be another disaster holiday? It’s going that way.
[this was the first holiday that our dad had taken us on without our
mum, and I was an ungrateful brat]
Undated
It is raining. That really horrible ‘spitting’ kind of rain.
It’s
dead boring here, maybe
that’s why half the people have packed up and left. I thought this
place was supposed to be a farm – wrong. It’s got a really tacky
club Butlins-type thing which is really dirty and has rubbish
everywhere. No doubt maggots in the kitchen!
The bedroom isn’t big enough to swing a gerbil, let alone a cat!
Can I complain?
Yes! [though I really shouldn’t have] There’s no-one here our
age. The door of our caravan doesn’t shut and I miss mum and
Punchie.
Dad’s gone off somewhere. Still raining. Ohhhhhhh
Gooooddddddd!!!!!!
Undated
When
I wrote it was over a month ago. Well now I get back to school and
who
should
seem to be the most gorgeous boy in school? None other than Noah. But
he fancies Ice Queen Melanie
R.
there’s no hope. He pushed past the grounds and actually hugged her
in front of everyone.
He
wrote I
Love Melanie
R
all over the Goldfish Bowl terrapin windows!
Dear
me! It’s so unfair. Sigh! Maybe I fancy someone else next week, or
someone will fancy me. But it’s not likely, (someone fancying me) I
feel bad and down about it, that’s not any good. You cannot
get depressed about it, cos it will drag you down.
You see, Noah likes girls with big breasts and a pretty face. It’s
depressing.
Today
I said a last goodbye to Punch. Well, I couldn’t because he wasn’t
there. Anna had taken him out for a ride. This great lump rose in my
throat when I collected my things. He has a new grooming kit. Anna
and Punch’s Grooming Kit,
it says. I wanted to cry. It isn’t fair. I couldn’t say goodbye
properly. I gave him up on Saturday morning and Sat eve, Anna’s
moved in. Such great sadness fills me as I realise that Punch will
soon forget me, and adjust to Anna.
Punchie was my friend and teacher for nearly two years. He has taught
me a lot. To ride with confidence but without cockiness, to look
after your perfect pony as he deserves to be looked after. So I owe a
lot to him. Feeling horribly cut up inside will not help scream and
cry.
1st
November 1992
I saw Kuffs which is excellent. White Men Can’t Jump and City of
Joy. (City of Joy! Inappropriate title if I ever knew one)
I do not fancy Noah. He’s not worth it ‘cos he’ll never go out
with me, plus I’ve totally gone off him. I told you I’d fancy
someone else within about a week! [adult me says: if only I could
apply this rule to my dating life today, instead of still insisting
on chasing down uninterested men that don’t fancy me. 14 year old
me was obviously far more sensible than 40 year old me. What
happened??]
