Dusk Spank - Chapter 4

OK, it’s a long one today. Sorry about that, but….feeling ranty.

Before we go to chapter 4, here are some thoughts on Chapter 3.

During their coffee date, Christian’s questions about her family confuse and irritate Ana. Family is a fairly standard first date topic, but Ana asks herself why Christian wants to know ‘all that boring stuff’  When she asks about HIS family, she gets annoyed at his ‘reluctance’ to discuss it! Ana in fact only asks Christian two questions about himself, the rest of the time she looks at her fingers and blushes.  

The characterisations of  Ana and Christian are so weak (probably because they are not original creations) that Mary-Sue has to resort to a long and boring conversation between the two of them under the misapprehension she’s written a witty verbal spar to try and demonstrate personalities. It doesn’t work. Ana comes off as being aloof and disinterested, and while Christian seems to be curious in getting to know Ana, his constant questioning without absorbing her answers feels fake and forced. 

I get it – realistic dialogue is hard to write. Want an example good dialogue? This is how it’s done:

Ackley took another look at my hat . . . “Up home we wear a hat like that to shoot deer in, for Chrissake,” he said. “That’s a deer shooting hat.”
“Like hell it is.” I took it off and looked at it. I sort of closed one eye, like I was taking aim at it. “This is a people shooting hat,” I said. “I shoot people in this hat.”

'The Catcher In the Rye', JD Salinger

See? It’s natural. You can imagine people talking like that. God, I felt physical pain for Dakota Johnson for having to say, ‘what are butt plugs?’ in the movie version of FSOG. (I actually thought she did a really good job of making Ana likeable.)

I forgot to include the phrase / word counts from C3 so here they are:

Long fingers: 4

Blush / flush: 10

My favourite line: ‘I’m going to have coffee with Christian Grey. And I hate coffee.’

And now, on with the show!

KISS ME, you rich, sexy control freak I implore him with my inside voice.

I have affected him too, I know I have – he is breathing hard and his pupils are dilated. But he doesn’t kiss me. Instead he briefly closes his eyes and shakes his head.

‘I’m not the man for you, Annie,’ he says. He sounds genuinely sorry. He is the saddest man ever to hold a wet and willing girl in his arms. My one chance at true love has slipped away, all because I don’t drink coffee and I’m not a sexy blonde. Well, I am assuming those are the reasons for his rejection. Maybe I could learn to like coffee? Maybe I could dye my hair blonde? Would he want me then?

‘Thank you,’ I say, in a haughty tone as I can muster.

‘For what?’ he says.

‘For saving my life,’

‘That idiot was riding the wrong way. I am glad I was here to save you. I am amazed that you have survived to the age of 21 without me around to stop you accidentally killing yourself,’

I’m gonna go home, and like, really kill myself now, I think. See how you like THEM apples, Mr Grey, pretending to be all interested in me and then rejecting me.

I have been such a hopeful fool. Why would he want me? My life is OVER. Everything is POINTLESS now. But…yet….he looks so…anguished….so tortured….like, Mr Darcy or Heathcliffe, or…… someone.

‘What is it?’ I snap irritably in an annoyed tone.

‘Good luck with your exams,’ he says, his voice low and full of some unspoken pain.

GOOD LUCK WITH MY EXAMS?? FUCK YOU! Good luck with your own fucking exams.

‘Thank you’ I say really sarcastically, and I cross the road ALL BY MYSELF without getting mown down on the way. I stomp into the underground carpark of the hotel and I don’t look back at him once.

But before I get to Karen’s car, my legs buckle, and I fall to the ground.  Hot tears pour out of my eyes. Snot streams out of my nose, I can’t breathe because my nose is so full of grief-mucus.

Waaaahhhh I go, wwaaaaahhh, life is so unfair, I never get what I want, waaa-waaa-waaa.

Maybe I should be kinder to the likes of Jose and Paul – even though they are obviously punching above their weight liking me, I am sure they have not cried like this over a girl they have only met 2 times.

Waaaaaa waaaaaaa.

After five minutes of rolling around on the ground like a flakka addict....

I get up and wipe the tears and snot on my jacket sleeve. I am a self-contained, mysterious lady, Goddammit. Cullen Grey said so himself. It’s time I started acting like one.

Karen is working on her laptop at the dining table when I get back. Her sweet, friendly smile (GOD stop smiling at me, you utter cow-bag!) soon vanishes when she sees my red eyes and my paler than usual pale face.

‘Annie! What’s the matter?’ she asks. Oh, I really do not the fucking Karen Cartwright Interrogation right now!

 ‘Did something happen? Did he do something to you? Tell me!’ she persists.

‘I wuh-wuh-wuh wus almost hit by a cyclist,’ I tell her.

‘You were almost hit?’

YES KAREN I could have DIED, thanks to YOU.

‘It was really close,’ I say, sniffing.

‘Were you hurt?’ she asks.

‘Only my pride,’ I say bravely.

‘How did it go with Mr Grey?’ she inquiries.

‘Yes, it was fun, but I don’t think we’ll see each other again,’

‘Why not?’ she asks, following me into the kitchen. She knows why, it’s because I’m skinny and clumsy and nerdy, and she is trying to force me to say it because she’s a BAD FRIEND.

‘I just don’t think we’re suited,’ I say, sadly.

‘That’s a shame,’ she says. ‘It seemed like you were really getting on well,’

Yes, Karen, that IS a shame, isn’t it? Now you’re free to wade in there, smelling like fresh, green apples and wearing your tiny camisole and tight jeans, free to charm Cullen Grey with your silky strawberry blonde hair that smells of orange groves, free to gaze at him with your clear green eyes. Free to let him stroke your flawless tawny skin and your peachy breasts with their little pale pink nipples stiffening under my – woah! Where did that come from? Cool down, Annie!

‘You probably don’t want to see the photos, then?’ she says.

No, Karen, no I don’t want to see the photos and be reminded of everything I’ll never had, everything that was so close, so within my sweaty grasp, before it slipped away so easily....

 ‘Actually, I would like to see them,’ I tell her. I pull one of the dining chairs round so I’m sitting next to her.

As I look at the photos, it becomes clear to me just why Cullen Grey will never be interested in me. He’s just too handsome. He’s out of my league. What was I thinking? Now I have realised this, I can move on.

‘Very good,’ Karen, I say.

INTERMISSION

HEY, this is the bit where we do a Family Guy style cutaway. Annie goes to bed after revising for a while, and you know what bedtime means! It means dream time! Do do do do wobbly fade-out….. but as even Annie’s dreams are boring, here’s one from HBO masterpiece Six Feet Under instead.

END OF INTERMISSION

I put my pen down. I have finished my final exam. I am the first to finish, with half an hour to go. I don’t think I’ll bother reading it over, I know Tess of the d’Urbervilles inside out, like the back of my hand, like an old friend. Tess is so like me in so many ways. But I’m not going to think about that now. I am going to look over at Karen and feel sorry for her because she’s still scribbling away.

Karen is just not as bright as I am, and although I try not to make my intellectual superiority obvious, sometimes it’s hard not to.  These exams will have been super hard for her, but for me they were easy. I think about what I’ll say to her when she knows she’s failed.

I look over and she’s put her pen down. She should really be using the last two minutes to check over what she’s written, but she doesn’t. Oh well, Karen, it’s up to you!

It’s Friday night, so we’ll be celebrating later on. I might even get drunk! I’ve never been drunk before, I’d rather be curled up with one of my favourite classic books than drinking. Now I can legally drink in the State of Washington, there’s no excuse!

When we get back to the apartment, Karen says, ‘there’s a package for you Annie,’

Oh and who can the package be from?? Go and put the kettle on, have a cup of tea while you try and figure it out. I’ll just wait here until you come back.

It’s from Cullen Grey.

Three editions of Tess, with a handwritten note:

Why didn’t you tell me there was danger? Why didn’t you warn me?

Ladies know what to guard against because they read novels that tell them of these tricks…

‘It’s a quote from Tess,’ says Karen.

GOD KAREN we’ve only just done a 3 hour exam on it! I know that!

‘Tess says it to her mother after Alec d’Urberville rapes her,’ Karen goes on.

GOD Karen, he doesn’t RAPE her, you idiot! Tess WANTS Alec. You really don’t understand the book in the way I do.

‘But what does Grey mean by it?’ I ask, coolly. I don’t want to show Karen’s ignorance up and make her worry that she might have failed the exam. 

‘Annie, I don’t think this is good,’ Karen says shaking her head. ‘When you came back from that coffee with him, you seemed really down and said it wasn’t going to go anywhere. Now he sends you these? I think you should send them back,’

Hmm. I’m starting to think that Karen wants him for herself, and she’s trying to get me out of the way. We’ll see about that.

‘You’re right, Karen,’ I say. I put the books back in the box.

‘Let’s celebrate. I’ll worry about it later,’ I say. She looks like she believes me. I told you she was an idiot.

The bar is loud and I have drunk a bottle of champagne, six margaritas, two jager bombs, two tequila slammers, a pint of Guinness and a G&T. I’m not in the least bit drunk, thought I have thrown up twice (tactical chunder my friends, tactical chunder) and fallen over a little bit.

Jose has come out with us, even though he’s not graduating until next year.

‘So what’s next for you, Annie?’ he says, gazing at me with his nut-brown eyes.

‘Karen and I are moving to Seattle. Her parents have bought her an apartment there –‘

‘Aye carumba, Annie! You are so lucky!’

‘You try sharing with Karen!’ I say. ‘Do you want to know something? I left this Chinese takeaway in the fridge. It was only in there for like, a week, and she threw it away! She thinks that everyone is made of money, like her! And I’ll still have to give her money for bills and things, which I think is totally unfair.  Hey, are you going to the bar? We need another margarita pitcher. Thanks, Jose,’

Jose goes off to the bar and I stagger to the toilet. I sit down and scroll through my call history.

Hmmm, sexy Cullen Grey. I dial his number.

‘Annie?’ he says. Woah! How does he do that? Oh, yeah. I called him before to arrange the shoot, didn’t I? He probably saved my number. You can thank me later for solving that one, Mary-Sue James, ‘kay?

Here, listen to this while Annie and Cullen have a really boring conversation about where she is, if she’s drunk, why he bought the books:

I go back to the table and Jose pours out the margaritas.

‘Annie, I think you should have a glass of water,’ says Karen.

She is always trying to control me and stop me from having fun. She wouldn’t let me paint my bedroom black, she won’t let me borrow her underwear, she wants me to send the books back and now she says I should have a glass of water! I down my drink defiantly.

‘I think you should have a glass of water,’ I say. ‘I’ll even go to the bar and get you one, Buzz Killington!’

But when I get up, I’m all dizzy, probably because I haven’t eaten anything since Tuesday.

‘Here,’ says Jose, ‘let’s go outside for some fresh air,’

My head is spinning and I feel really, really sick. Outside, we sit on a bench and Jose rubs my back. A combination of the fresh air and the back rub makes me gag, and then blurrgh, up comes $70 dollars-worth of booze. Not my $70 dollars, but still. The vomit splashes into my soft brown hair, over my white Converse, and over a raised wooden flowerbed in which are planted a spectacular variety of purple and pink peonies with dark emerald green leaves. Little drops of salt-laced vomit drip off the leaves, like foul-stinking dew.

‘Kiss me, Jose!’ I say, making a grab for his muscular forearms.

‘Ew, Annie! You just threw up! And you’re really drunk!’ he says, pushing me away.

‘C’mon, you know you want to!’ I wipe my mouth on the sleeve of my plain, boring brown jacket, and then launch again, trying to press my breasts up against his chest.

‘You know you want me,’ I say in my sexiest voice.

‘Annie, I did like you, but you’ve made it clear you just want to be friends. I’ve moved on. I’ve got a girlfriend,’ he says.

What the actual fuck. Jose can’t have a girlfriend! He’s supposed to always pine for me while I make him think something might happen by asking him to do things for me all the time. Fuck this shit.

‘I hate you,’ I say.

‘You don’t mean that, Annie. You’re just drunk. Come on, I’ll take you home,’ he says.

‘No!’ I say. ‘I want more drink!’

‘The lady said no,’ a dark voice says from the shadows. Oh it’s Cullen Grey! What’s he doing here? Why?

Let’s speed this shit up

Right, so here we have another FIVE pages of Annie throwing up, Cullen admitting he ‘tracked her cell phone’ (that’s what we call a red flag right there, folks.) Cullen taking her BACK into the club where she slut shames Karen and then…then she passes out. Because chapters always have to end with unconsciousness.