Dusk Spank - Chapter 9

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What Happened to Brandon Lawson?

Brandon Lawson has been missing since the early hours of 8 August 2013.

The 26 year-old father of three left his home in San Angelo, Texas at approximately midnight after having an argument with his long-term girlfriend, Ladessa. Brandon had planned to drive to his father’s house to cool off from the row.

On highway 277, near Bronte, Texas, Brandon’s car ran out of petrol. He phoned his brother Kyle for help. After calling Ladessa, Kyle and his girlfriend Audrey set off to find Brandon, stopping to collect an empty petrol from Brandon’s front porch. Kyle had no money in his bank account to pay for the petrol, so he intended to pick Brandon up and drive him to the petrol station then drive him back to his truck.

 When Kyle and Audrey arrived at Brandon’s truck at approximately 1.10am it was empty, with the front bumper slightly pointing out onto the carriageway. There was no damage to the truck, and Brandon, his keys and mobile phone were missing. A Deputy Sheriff’s truck arrived at the same time as Kyle and Audrey.

It seems that Kyle and Brandon spoke a further two times that night; once when Brandon told his brother that he was ten minutes up the road and bleeding, and a second time where he said he was ‘in a field’.

Audrey also texted Brandon at 1.18 to tell him, ‘a cop is at your truck.’ Earlier that week, Brandon had learned of a two-year-old outstanding warrant for possession of controlled substances and this is possibly why Audrey had texted him to the presence of the officer at his truck.

At around one am, Brandon called 911. Kyle, and the deputy who arrived at his empty truck, were unaware of this call.  The call is garbled, and difficult to understand; Brandon sounds out of breath and his words run into each other.

You can listen to it here:

Below I have transcribed what I think I hear, the text in brackets is only what I think is said.

Dispatcher: 911 emergency.

Brandon: Yes, I’m in the middle of a field [a stooper /staper]  ****‘stooper’ is a blend of ‘State Trooper’ and is commonly used in parts of Texas*** just pulled some guys over going towards Abilene on [both/ Bronte] sides [unintelligible] my truck ran out of gas. [There’s one car here. got chased into the woods.] Please hurry.  **Stooper**

D: Ok, now, run that [by me]

B: [I don’t want to talk to them, I ran into them]

D: Ah, ok, you ran into him, ok

B: Yes, [the first guy]

D: Do you need an ambulance?                                     

[voice in background says. ‘yeah’]

B: No, I need the cops

D: DOk, is anybody hurt?

B……… (sounds of traffic / wind)

D: Hello?

B………

D: Hello?

B……..

D: Hello?

At the time of Brandon’s disappearance, 911 calls were routed not to a call centre manned by trained call handlers, but to a local nursing home. The dispatcher does not ask Brandon his name, or where he is. This has since changed, and dispatchers are given training.

The Local Newspaper, The Sheriff and His Wife

The local newspaper, The Observer Enterprise, is owned by the sheriff (who was away the night Brandon went missing) and his wife.

From the ‘Missing Brandon Lawson’ blog:

From all media reports written by The Observer Enterprise, owned by the Sheriff and his wife, that the 911 call was only reported as " a stranded motorist who ran out of gas." No mention of the urgency nor any mention of "I ran into them"( as understood by the dispatcher)  The Deputy put emergency flashers on , locked the truck and proceeded to "leave the scene" and arranged for a tow in the morning.  According to reports the Deputy drove up and down the roadway to see if he could spot Brandon walking.  Kyle and his girlfriend left the empty gas can in the bed of the truck thinking if Brandon came back he would have the can and could retrieve gas. They began to go look for him. When morning came, and still no sign of Brandon, Kyle's money was available in his account and he went back to the truck and filled the can and returned it to the truck. At this point he was now starting to become concerned and felt that Brandon may not have been hiding and may be in trouble. In talking with Investigators he now gave them the full account of Brandon being on the phone at the time the Deputy was at the truck.

Brandon’s family would later tell the Brainscratch YouTube channel that their requests for the police to involve the press in Brandon’s case were blocked and that Ladessa was told, ‘we’re not going to have a three-ring circus in this town,’

The family claim that the only news source given any police information was the one owned by the Sheriff and his wife.

Privately Owned Land Not Searched

This Buzzfeed map shows just how large Texas is:

 The area Brandon vanished in was vast, and very remote. It’s dry, scrubby land, with little or no trees, just miles and miles of highway and desert punctuated by buildings and bridges. When I first heard the 911 call, I imagined Brandon running off the road and into a densely wooded area. If he had been trying to hide, he would have failed miserably; there wasn’t anywhere for him to conceal himself out there. 

Large areas of the land are apparently privately owned, and requests by Brandon’s family to search the land have been refused. Allegedly, land owners have said they will allow searches if the sheriff issues a warrant. The sheriff has yet to issue any search warrants.

Theories

1)      Brandon encountered illegal activity – possibly perpetrated by State Troopers, with the local sheriff’s knowledge. Bronte is 736 miles (a 12 hour car drive) from the Mexican border, but Texas is a common people trafficking route. Did Brandon see ‘coyotes’ trafficking people into the USA?  Or had he stumbled across a drug deal?

2)     Did the sheriff know about these activities, and did he cover them up because he was taking a cut?

3)     Was Brandon shot trespassing on private land? It seems unlikely – though Brandon was a large, physically fit man, he was also unarmed, and by his own account, bleeding.  It would be usual for a landowner defending their property to issue a warning for Brandon to leave before shooting to defend their property. The ‘stand your ground’(Castle Doctrine) law does not apply if someone is trespassing on land. The owner of the land may use reasonable – but not deadly – force t remove somebody from their land.

4)     Brandon was attacked by wild boars – again unlikely. Boars will generally not deliberately attack humans, though it may be that they were used to help ‘dispose’ of human remains. 

What do you think happened to Brandon?

Photos and links

Brandon's truck (Missing Brandon Lawson)

Highway 277 Near Bronte (Google Maps)

Texas / Mexico border map

Missing poster (Missing Brandon Lawson)

Brainscratch -Episode one

Brainscratch - Episode Two

Missing Brandon Lawson Website

Understanding Castle Doctrine

 Thanks: J McCabe

I'll Be Right Back....

Apologies to readers who have come looking for further Dust Spank (FSOG) posts or more strange true tales and have found nothing new for the last couple of months. Please be assured they are on their way soon.....stay tuned.

Dusk Spank Chapters 6, 7 & 8 Or, 'We Need to Talk About Christian'

And now we reach problematic chapters 6, 7 and 8 of FSOG. Sorry Bella / Ana / Annie, I’m taking over for this one. For purposes of this chapter, ‘original’ character names will be used.

We need to talk about Christian. I think he grooms Ana. Don’t jump in and say, ‘But she’s an adult!’ firstly, abusers DO groom their victims, and secondly, Ana is infantilised throughout the book. She claps her hand like a child, giggles like a child, says she feels like a child. Let’s look at the evidence for grooming.

1)      Buys her gifts

First it’s the books, later on it’s a phone, laptop and a car. The phone and laptop are so he can control the contact he has with her. In Darker, he gets angry with her for using her work computer to contact her, telling her to use the Blackberry (it would seem simpler for her to use a private email account instead of a work one, but that’s a writer fail there.) He will also go on to buy her jewellery and even a whole publishing company.

2)     Gives her alcohol

To make her compliant enough to sign the NDA, show her the Red Room of Pain and the contract. These chapters made me so angry I wanted to smash things.

Ana is a virgin. She blushes at the thought of sex; she’s embarrassed to even tell Christian she’s a virgin. When she does tell him, he charmingly calls it a ‘situation’. This is not the man to lose your virginity to. She’s also drunk, so her ability to make decisions (and therefore to consent) is impaired, but Christian has sex with her anyway.

I find it hard to believe that Ana, a 21 year old university student, has never had sex or kissed anyone (EL James forgets about the ‘never been kissed’ bit in Freed and Ana talks about kissing boys when she was in high school.)

So I find it hard to believe that Ana would go from ‘never been kissed’ to ‘orgasmic sex kitten’ in a few pages. SHE’S NEVER HAD SEX BEFORE. Wouldn’t she want to try other things first? Like, French kissing, hand-jobs and oral sex? Go on a few 'getting to know you' dates and do some of the beginner sex stuff first? I know that this isn’t the way most adult sexual relationships would go, but Ana isn’t a normal adult. We’re repeatedly told of her inexperience, her naivety, her innocence. She doesn’t even know if his penis will fit inside her! This is not a girl that should be having sex on a second date, and this is not a girl that should be going into a ‘BDSM’ relationship (I put BDSM in quotes, because that isn’t what Christian is in to, he’s just into controlling and hitting women, he doesn’t care if they like it or not.)

That's better!

3)     Ingratiates himself into her family / isolates her

This doesn’t happen until later in the book, when Ana goes to visit her mum to get some space. Christian then TURNS UP and he charms Ana’s mother.

Oh mom, et tu, Brute?

‘You too, Brutus?’  These were said to be the last words of Julius Caesar before he was assassinated. I am not sure what Ana’s mum has actually done – she’s not betrayed Ana, but it tells you something about Ana’s feelings for Christian and they’re not healthy.

Mother of the year award goes to Carla:

‘Wow’ she mutters. ‘Ana, there’s something going on between you two. I’ve been trying to figure it out since you arrived here,’

Ana starts crying, probably because she wants her mum to say what most mums would say, which is, ‘What a fucking weirdo, flying all this way when you said you needed some space, I don’t like him, he’s a creep,’

But Carla says:

‘I don’t care how rich you are, you don’t drop everything and get in your private plane to cross a whole continent just for afternoon tea. Go to him! This is a beautiful location. It’s also neutral territory.’

Just think about this for a minute. Imagine you go on holiday with your mum, because you need some time out from your confusing relationship. You’re in Greece, you’re in a taverna, having a few cocktails before dinner. Then imagine that the man you’ve been seeing for a couple of weeks (and it is only a couple of weeks by this point) walks in and announces he got a package flight to come and see you. Is it still ‘romantic’? It’s not romantic. It’s weird.

Christian makes it clear that he does not like Kate, Jose or Paul, further isolating her from support networks.

As Ana has signed the NDA, she is prevented from telling anyone about what’s going on in the relationship.  I’d argue that she was coerced into signing the NDA, so it doesn’t stand.

4)     Emotional manipulation

Those of you that have read and remembered the book, I want to try and describe Ana. What’s she like? Try and think beyond, ‘She has blue eyes and brown hair, and she’s skinny. She’s also innocent and bookish until she meets Christian,’

What else?

Because Ana Steele and Bella Swan are the same person and author / reader inserts, neither of them have particularly striking personalities. I’ve been reading Twilight, and Bella always just seems irritated, annoyed, sulky, exasperated and bored on a continuous loop. The only time she’s happy is when Edward is around. Sure, Meyer throws in that Bella is ‘clumsy’ - her clumsiness almost gets her killed, but Edward saves her. We know that Ana is also graceless and uncoordinated (because Bella is) as she falls into Christian’s office, and later on, she’s almost hit by a bike.

Both characters are ‘blanks’, so the reader / author can slot themselves into the fantasy. This makes it easier for Ana to be manipulated by Christian – Ana has no agency of her own. Her decisions are made by Christian, for his benefit. It also makes it easier for Ana to be EL James’ puppet for ‘plot’ arcs, instead of rewriting bits that don’t fit with what she wants to happen.

Just because an author keeps telling us their character is strong and intelligent, it doesn’t make it true. We see absolutely no evidence of Ana’s intelligence or strength. She’s a void.

I know some of you are going to say, ‘but what about the all the times she stands up to Christian?’ She doesn’t. She might say, ‘No Christian, I don’t want to do that,’ but then she backtracks, agreeing with him, and he gets his own way.

How does he manipulate her?

He sulks. He uses his past as a way to get her to feel sorry for him. His moods change very rapidly (from line to line) he gets angry with her for no reason and she feels that she needs to placate him. She is afraid of the consequences of not complying with him.

Over and over again, she says

Oh no, what have I done?

Have I done something wrong?

Oh, he’s angry

And this, this line from the dinner at his parent’s house (where he tries to finger her under the table, by the way, I can see why women everywhere are falling in love with this guy.)

It is even more palatable since Christian manages to retain his good humour for the rest of the meal. I suspect it’s because I’m eating so heartily.’

Can you imagine how exhausting it would really be to date someone like Christian?

Christian also repeatedly refers to Ana as ‘his’ which, in Twilight world makes sense. Bella is Edward’s because Edward is a vampire and they have companions that ‘belong’ to them. In FSOG, it just sounds like Ana can’t have anyone else in her life apart from Christian.

When Ana first meets Christian, he insists on calling her ‘Anastasia’ or ‘Miss Steele’ even though she keeps asking him to call her ‘Ana’. This is another way in which he controls her, isolating her from her ‘self’ and molding her into what he wants her to be.

Honourable Mention:

 Poor housekeeper Mrs Jones- she has to clean the playroom and the sex toys. CHRISTIAN GETS HIS HOUSEKEEPER TO CLEAN HIS USED SEX TOYS. Who does that? You don’t leave them out for the cleaner with a note, do you?

‘Linda – please clean the following today:

·         Bath

·         Kitchen floor

·         Inside of windows

·         Sex toys that have been up my girlfriend’s arse – these are on the bedroom floor along with the used condoms and spunky tissues.’

Thanks!’

I have to go and lie down in a dark room for a bit so here’s some links to very funny recap blogs. They have made reading this book bearable:

Jenny Trout Jealous Hater Book Club

Fifty Shades of Tedious Fuckery

Bizzybiz Blog 50 Shades Reviews

Dusk Spank - Chapter 5

My name’s Karen Cartwright, and I’ll be your narrator for chapters 5.

I went home with Eric Grey last night. Or rather, I took him home. We had fun.

He was still hanging around the apartment this morning when Annie came back with Cullen. I haven't made my mind up about Cullen yet. I think Annie really likes him, but he seems so stuffy and old before his time. And I thought sending Annie those books was creepy, especially after she said their date didn’t go very well. It made me wonder what his motives really are.

You can’t tell Annie, though – she asks for your opinion and then she gets upset with you if it doesn’t line up with hers, so you have to just let her get on with things. 

I know some people will think I am a terrible friend for letting her just go off with him last night, especially as she was so drunk.  I don’t think I could stand how bad she’d make me feel if I’d stopped her, and she is an adult. But I feel guilty about it this morning, what if something had happened to her? 

Annie’s never had a boyfriend – she’s always been so fixated on this idea of a romantic hero coming along that she’ll never give someone like Jose or Phil a chance. Both of them are kind, handsome, hard-working men from good families.  Dependable, you know.

But that’s not her thing – even though she’s never even really dated she thinks she likes a ‘bad boy’ type.

Let me tell you, those 'romantic', tortured souls, you know, the ones that need saving from themselves? They are NO fun to date. It’s hard work. They require constant reassurance, and you have to tip-toe around them, wondering when they’re late home if they are in bed with another girl or dead in a ditch. It’s exhausting.

But she comes in with Cullen, and she looks all rosy and happy. Cullen actually goes to shake my hand and says, ‘Miss Cartwright,’ in that very odd way he has. It’s like he learned human behaviour from an English period drama.

‘Her name’s Karen,’ says Eric. ‘Hi Annie,’

‘Hi Eric,’ she says, blushing.

‘Eric, we better go,’ says Cullen. I get the impression he thinks his time is more important than everyone else’s.

‘Sure, I’m ready,’ says Eric. He pulls me towards him and gives me a long, wet kiss. It’s not his fault, but I know Annie will be judging me for it, because she judges me for everything I do. I know she does, because she’s no good at hiding it.

‘Laters, baby,’ Eric says when he’s taken his tongue out of my mouth. He says it in this Bill & Ted surfer dude voice, which makes me laugh. Cullen has a moment with Annie where he strokes her face and hair, and to me it looks like he’s sizing her up for a spot in the basement hotel. She’s going to check in, but she’s never going to leave. I shouldn't have said that, I don't know Cullen. 

You probably want to know why I’m friends with someone like Annie. I’ll try and explain, and hear me out. When we first started at WSU, we clicked – I thought, this girl is smart, and cool and fun. So when my parents bought me the apartment here, and Annie needed somewhere to stay, I offered her a room. She’d only need to help with the bills and food, no rent.

The first year or so was OK; she paid the bills on time, re-stocked the fridge and all that stuff. But she’s slovenly. I’m always cleaning up after her. It got so bad, I was going to ask her to move out. I also couldn’t handle her constant irrational moods, snapping at me over the smallest things, all these perceived slights. Then I worried what would happen to her if I asked her to move out. Her folks aren’t local, and apart from Jose, she’s really got no other friends.

I don’t feel sorry for her, that’s not it. I guess I just remember the good stuff, and kind of put all the bad stuff in a box under the bed marked ‘shit Annie does that annoys the fuck out of me’ and try to forget about it.

When I decided I was going to move to Seattle after graduating, I thought that would kind of draw a line under the friendship. Then Annie said she was going to move to Seattle and asked if she could stay with me until she’d got herself sorted. My family already have an apartment there. I felt bad saying no – Annie has such a chip on her shoulder about people with money. It’s like, it’s useful to her when she wants it to be, but then she can use it as a stick to beat you with the rest of the time. 

Maybe I’m weak, but I ended up saying yes, she could move in until she’d found a job and got her own place.

After Cullen and Eric leave, I ask Annie if anything happened last night. She says it didn’t, then asks me if I slept with Eric last night. I say yes, but don’t go into detail. She seems pissed about that, for some reason, but then Annie is often inexplicably pissed off. She then she tells me that Cullen took her to his suite at the Heathman, and she woke up not really remembering too much about the night before, but  she knows that Cullen didn’t take advantage of her. She seems to think this makes him some sort of gentleman.

I’m like, wait, what? So, you passed out, he undressed you and put you into bed, and you think that’s OK because he didn’t rape you while you were unconscious? But at the same time, you’re pissed that nothing happened? This is why I don’t get Annie. But she’s really excited because they have another date this evening. She asks me if I’ll help her with a make-over and if she can borrow a dress.

I don’t know why she’s asking about borrowing something to wear, she normally just helps herself. But she seems so happy, I don’t want to spoil it. I do the makeover and lend her my plum-coloured dress and she goes off to work (and her date) like a happy little lamb.

Dusk Spank - Chapter 4

OK, it’s a long one today. Sorry about that, but….feeling ranty.

Before we go to chapter 4, here are some thoughts on Chapter 3.

During their coffee date, Christian’s questions about her family confuse and irritate Ana. Family is a fairly standard first date topic, but Ana asks herself why Christian wants to know ‘all that boring stuff’  When she asks about HIS family, she gets annoyed at his ‘reluctance’ to discuss it! Ana in fact only asks Christian two questions about himself, the rest of the time she looks at her fingers and blushes.  

The characterisations of  Ana and Christian are so weak (probably because they are not original creations) that Mary-Sue has to resort to a long and boring conversation between the two of them under the misapprehension she’s written a witty verbal spar to try and demonstrate personalities. It doesn’t work. Ana comes off as being aloof and disinterested, and while Christian seems to be curious in getting to know Ana, his constant questioning without absorbing her answers feels fake and forced. 

I get it – realistic dialogue is hard to write. Want an example good dialogue? This is how it’s done:

Ackley took another look at my hat . . . “Up home we wear a hat like that to shoot deer in, for Chrissake,” he said. “That’s a deer shooting hat.”
“Like hell it is.” I took it off and looked at it. I sort of closed one eye, like I was taking aim at it. “This is a people shooting hat,” I said. “I shoot people in this hat.”

'The Catcher In the Rye', JD Salinger

See? It’s natural. You can imagine people talking like that. God, I felt physical pain for Dakota Johnson for having to say, ‘what are butt plugs?’ in the movie version of FSOG. (I actually thought she did a really good job of making Ana likeable.)

I forgot to include the phrase / word counts from C3 so here they are:

Long fingers: 4

Blush / flush: 10

My favourite line: ‘I’m going to have coffee with Christian Grey. And I hate coffee.’

And now, on with the show!

KISS ME, you rich, sexy control freak I implore him with my inside voice.

I have affected him too, I know I have – he is breathing hard and his pupils are dilated. But he doesn’t kiss me. Instead he briefly closes his eyes and shakes his head.

‘I’m not the man for you, Annie,’ he says. He sounds genuinely sorry. He is the saddest man ever to hold a wet and willing girl in his arms. My one chance at true love has slipped away, all because I don’t drink coffee and I’m not a sexy blonde. Well, I am assuming those are the reasons for his rejection. Maybe I could learn to like coffee? Maybe I could dye my hair blonde? Would he want me then?

‘Thank you,’ I say, in a haughty tone as I can muster.

‘For what?’ he says.

‘For saving my life,’

‘That idiot was riding the wrong way. I am glad I was here to save you. I am amazed that you have survived to the age of 21 without me around to stop you accidentally killing yourself,’

I’m gonna go home, and like, really kill myself now, I think. See how you like THEM apples, Mr Grey, pretending to be all interested in me and then rejecting me.

I have been such a hopeful fool. Why would he want me? My life is OVER. Everything is POINTLESS now. But…yet….he looks so…anguished….so tortured….like, Mr Darcy or Heathcliffe, or…… someone.

‘What is it?’ I snap irritably in an annoyed tone.

‘Good luck with your exams,’ he says, his voice low and full of some unspoken pain.

GOOD LUCK WITH MY EXAMS?? FUCK YOU! Good luck with your own fucking exams.

‘Thank you’ I say really sarcastically, and I cross the road ALL BY MYSELF without getting mown down on the way. I stomp into the underground carpark of the hotel and I don’t look back at him once.

But before I get to Karen’s car, my legs buckle, and I fall to the ground.  Hot tears pour out of my eyes. Snot streams out of my nose, I can’t breathe because my nose is so full of grief-mucus.

Waaaahhhh I go, wwaaaaahhh, life is so unfair, I never get what I want, waaa-waaa-waaa.

Maybe I should be kinder to the likes of Jose and Paul – even though they are obviously punching above their weight liking me, I am sure they have not cried like this over a girl they have only met 2 times.

Waaaaaa waaaaaaa.

After five minutes of rolling around on the ground like a flakka addict....

I get up and wipe the tears and snot on my jacket sleeve. I am a self-contained, mysterious lady, Goddammit. Cullen Grey said so himself. It’s time I started acting like one.

Karen is working on her laptop at the dining table when I get back. Her sweet, friendly smile (GOD stop smiling at me, you utter cow-bag!) soon vanishes when she sees my red eyes and my paler than usual pale face.

‘Annie! What’s the matter?’ she asks. Oh, I really do not the fucking Karen Cartwright Interrogation right now!

 ‘Did something happen? Did he do something to you? Tell me!’ she persists.

‘I wuh-wuh-wuh wus almost hit by a cyclist,’ I tell her.

‘You were almost hit?’

YES KAREN I could have DIED, thanks to YOU.

‘It was really close,’ I say, sniffing.

‘Were you hurt?’ she asks.

‘Only my pride,’ I say bravely.

‘How did it go with Mr Grey?’ she inquiries.

‘Yes, it was fun, but I don’t think we’ll see each other again,’

‘Why not?’ she asks, following me into the kitchen. She knows why, it’s because I’m skinny and clumsy and nerdy, and she is trying to force me to say it because she’s a BAD FRIEND.

‘I just don’t think we’re suited,’ I say, sadly.

‘That’s a shame,’ she says. ‘It seemed like you were really getting on well,’

Yes, Karen, that IS a shame, isn’t it? Now you’re free to wade in there, smelling like fresh, green apples and wearing your tiny camisole and tight jeans, free to charm Cullen Grey with your silky strawberry blonde hair that smells of orange groves, free to gaze at him with your clear green eyes. Free to let him stroke your flawless tawny skin and your peachy breasts with their little pale pink nipples stiffening under my – woah! Where did that come from? Cool down, Annie!

‘You probably don’t want to see the photos, then?’ she says.

No, Karen, no I don’t want to see the photos and be reminded of everything I’ll never had, everything that was so close, so within my sweaty grasp, before it slipped away so easily....

 ‘Actually, I would like to see them,’ I tell her. I pull one of the dining chairs round so I’m sitting next to her.

As I look at the photos, it becomes clear to me just why Cullen Grey will never be interested in me. He’s just too handsome. He’s out of my league. What was I thinking? Now I have realised this, I can move on.

‘Very good,’ Karen, I say.

INTERMISSION

HEY, this is the bit where we do a Family Guy style cutaway. Annie goes to bed after revising for a while, and you know what bedtime means! It means dream time! Do do do do wobbly fade-out….. but as even Annie’s dreams are boring, here’s one from HBO masterpiece Six Feet Under instead.

END OF INTERMISSION

I put my pen down. I have finished my final exam. I am the first to finish, with half an hour to go. I don’t think I’ll bother reading it over, I know Tess of the d’Urbervilles inside out, like the back of my hand, like an old friend. Tess is so like me in so many ways. But I’m not going to think about that now. I am going to look over at Karen and feel sorry for her because she’s still scribbling away.

Karen is just not as bright as I am, and although I try not to make my intellectual superiority obvious, sometimes it’s hard not to.  These exams will have been super hard for her, but for me they were easy. I think about what I’ll say to her when she knows she’s failed.

I look over and she’s put her pen down. She should really be using the last two minutes to check over what she’s written, but she doesn’t. Oh well, Karen, it’s up to you!

It’s Friday night, so we’ll be celebrating later on. I might even get drunk! I’ve never been drunk before, I’d rather be curled up with one of my favourite classic books than drinking. Now I can legally drink in the State of Washington, there’s no excuse!

When we get back to the apartment, Karen says, ‘there’s a package for you Annie,’

Oh and who can the package be from?? Go and put the kettle on, have a cup of tea while you try and figure it out. I’ll just wait here until you come back.

It’s from Cullen Grey.

Three editions of Tess, with a handwritten note:

Why didn’t you tell me there was danger? Why didn’t you warn me?

Ladies know what to guard against because they read novels that tell them of these tricks…

‘It’s a quote from Tess,’ says Karen.

GOD KAREN we’ve only just done a 3 hour exam on it! I know that!

‘Tess says it to her mother after Alec d’Urberville rapes her,’ Karen goes on.

GOD Karen, he doesn’t RAPE her, you idiot! Tess WANTS Alec. You really don’t understand the book in the way I do.

‘But what does Grey mean by it?’ I ask, coolly. I don’t want to show Karen’s ignorance up and make her worry that she might have failed the exam. 

‘Annie, I don’t think this is good,’ Karen says shaking her head. ‘When you came back from that coffee with him, you seemed really down and said it wasn’t going to go anywhere. Now he sends you these? I think you should send them back,’

Hmm. I’m starting to think that Karen wants him for herself, and she’s trying to get me out of the way. We’ll see about that.

‘You’re right, Karen,’ I say. I put the books back in the box.

‘Let’s celebrate. I’ll worry about it later,’ I say. She looks like she believes me. I told you she was an idiot.

The bar is loud and I have drunk a bottle of champagne, six margaritas, two jager bombs, two tequila slammers, a pint of Guinness and a G&T. I’m not in the least bit drunk, thought I have thrown up twice (tactical chunder my friends, tactical chunder) and fallen over a little bit.

Jose has come out with us, even though he’s not graduating until next year.

‘So what’s next for you, Annie?’ he says, gazing at me with his nut-brown eyes.

‘Karen and I are moving to Seattle. Her parents have bought her an apartment there –‘

‘Aye carumba, Annie! You are so lucky!’

‘You try sharing with Karen!’ I say. ‘Do you want to know something? I left this Chinese takeaway in the fridge. It was only in there for like, a week, and she threw it away! She thinks that everyone is made of money, like her! And I’ll still have to give her money for bills and things, which I think is totally unfair.  Hey, are you going to the bar? We need another margarita pitcher. Thanks, Jose,’

Jose goes off to the bar and I stagger to the toilet. I sit down and scroll through my call history.

Hmmm, sexy Cullen Grey. I dial his number.

‘Annie?’ he says. Woah! How does he do that? Oh, yeah. I called him before to arrange the shoot, didn’t I? He probably saved my number. You can thank me later for solving that one, Mary-Sue James, ‘kay?

Here, listen to this while Annie and Cullen have a really boring conversation about where she is, if she’s drunk, why he bought the books:

I go back to the table and Jose pours out the margaritas.

‘Annie, I think you should have a glass of water,’ says Karen.

She is always trying to control me and stop me from having fun. She wouldn’t let me paint my bedroom black, she won’t let me borrow her underwear, she wants me to send the books back and now she says I should have a glass of water! I down my drink defiantly.

‘I think you should have a glass of water,’ I say. ‘I’ll even go to the bar and get you one, Buzz Killington!’

But when I get up, I’m all dizzy, probably because I haven’t eaten anything since Tuesday.

‘Here,’ says Jose, ‘let’s go outside for some fresh air,’

My head is spinning and I feel really, really sick. Outside, we sit on a bench and Jose rubs my back. A combination of the fresh air and the back rub makes me gag, and then blurrgh, up comes $70 dollars-worth of booze. Not my $70 dollars, but still. The vomit splashes into my soft brown hair, over my white Converse, and over a raised wooden flowerbed in which are planted a spectacular variety of purple and pink peonies with dark emerald green leaves. Little drops of salt-laced vomit drip off the leaves, like foul-stinking dew.

‘Kiss me, Jose!’ I say, making a grab for his muscular forearms.

‘Ew, Annie! You just threw up! And you’re really drunk!’ he says, pushing me away.

‘C’mon, you know you want to!’ I wipe my mouth on the sleeve of my plain, boring brown jacket, and then launch again, trying to press my breasts up against his chest.

‘You know you want me,’ I say in my sexiest voice.

‘Annie, I did like you, but you’ve made it clear you just want to be friends. I’ve moved on. I’ve got a girlfriend,’ he says.

What the actual fuck. Jose can’t have a girlfriend! He’s supposed to always pine for me while I make him think something might happen by asking him to do things for me all the time. Fuck this shit.

‘I hate you,’ I say.

‘You don’t mean that, Annie. You’re just drunk. Come on, I’ll take you home,’ he says.

‘No!’ I say. ‘I want more drink!’

‘The lady said no,’ a dark voice says from the shadows. Oh it’s Cullen Grey! What’s he doing here? Why?

Let’s speed this shit up

Right, so here we have another FIVE pages of Annie throwing up, Cullen admitting he ‘tracked her cell phone’ (that’s what we call a red flag right there, folks.) Cullen taking her BACK into the club where she slut shames Karen and then…then she passes out. Because chapters always have to end with unconsciousness.